Maybe you are not one of the 99%
Count your blessings
You have a job and debt you can carry
Your home is safe and secure
You are fortunate that your hard work paid off for you
A tornado can destroy an entire town and leave a few houses untouched
This is the way that it feels
The majority are floundering in this storm,..while you are safe and warm
It is as simple as that
Those who are protesting are not asking to take what you have
they arent asking for anything but acknowledgment
to be heard
to be understood.
"He will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did not do for one of the least of these, you did not do for me.'
Matthew 25:45
Christ was saying that where you are kind and understanding to anyone you are kind and understanding to him,
Be kind
Be understanding
Friday, October 14, 2011
Friday, October 7, 2011
Angst, Acrimony and ARGHHHHH
It could have been a passing thought, quickly dismissed. But it wasn't. Although the moment the thought crossed my mind I felt awful for thinking it,..
"I wonder if I could find a job in Canada?"
Yeah, Crazy, I know. Why in the world would I want to move to Canada? But the thought spun like a tornado in my brain,..the hubs could find work there,..maybe not me,..how different from Montana could it be? Could I be that far from the kids? Would the kids want to go? Could we afford to live there,..they all talk kind of, well, funny, but they seem more like us than not, and what would I be,..................thats where the thought made my heart shudder,..what would I be?
Would I be an "expatriate" and exactly what does that mean?
Wikipedia~An expatriate (in abbreviated form, expat) is a person temporarily or permanently residing in a country and culture other than that of the person's upbringing or legal residence. The word comes from the Latin terms ex ("out of") and patria ("country, fatherland").
So, whoa, okay, not an "Ex-Patriot",..if there even is such a thing. Maybe it's just a spelling thing. Maybe not.
And did that ever get me thinking,...
"Patriot",..to my mind now, was a label highjacked by simple minded selfish people who carry hate filled signs with tea bags hanging from their hats. Before, impression of a patriot cam from the pages of the books at school and the bookshelf of history books my step father had at home. Patriots were people who risked their lives in pursuit of what they believed was their innate right to have representation in their government.
Did I ever feel like a patriot,..no. I have felt patriotic,..proud of my country, yes. There have been times when my heart has soared, and broken in unity with a million others across this country. When the towers fell I was living in small town Montana, but I felt like it happened to all of us. And when Obama was elected, I was proud of this country, because, at that time anyway, I felt like we had passed a great milestone in electing a man of color to lead us. But I never felt like a "Patriot",..now I was seriously, however fleetingly, considering becoming an "Ex-Patriot".
Why?
Fear, mostly, anxiety over the direction that I see our country going. The catastrophe that is our economy, the hate,..the anger,..greed over humanity,..a generation of our children being dumped into an economic abyss.
We've gone down a rabbit hole and I dont know how or if, we can ever go back. And let me be clear, it's not just the economy that has me agonizing,..its our society. People who can cheer over a hypothetical man dying because he has no insurance and boo at a man who walked where bullets flew because he is gay. I see these things on t v and I read about them and it makes me sick. Knowing that other people are seeing and reading about my America that way makes me ashamed. Reading the stories left on the Occupy Wall Street website made me cry,..really cry. And the things that I am reading now about the "rights" reaction to Occupy Wall Street make me want to scream. Thugs? The Tea Party marching on Washington hanging effigies of my president were not "Thugs" Mr. Cantor?
How did we become so fractured? How did people living the same history become so polarized? On some level hate has historically been accepted, but now? Now? We are supposed to be a generation of educated enlightened people and able to figure this damn thing out.
We aren't. And we wont.
And the level of stupidity in all of it is just ridiculous. The average card carrying tea party, Obama bashing, toe the "Right" line of thinking people are too stupid to realize that they are part of the 99 percent. They dont get that they have been manipulated by big business,..and a terrifyingly few individuals into accepting a political platform that is the exact opposite of THEIR BEST INTERESTS. And not to mention, just plain wrong. To be truly Christ like is to walk the path of Christ, in kindness and light, with open arms and a generous heart. And we have the Westoboro Baptist Church who thinks it's right to spew hate from the edges of funerals and remonstrate people like Elizabeth Edwards and Steve Jobs because they can make headlines!
It's common to hear politicians speak of our children in their speeches,.."leaving debt for our children" is a popular Republican phrase,..but it was always in the context of what we are doing now and how it affects the future. Well, the future is here, my children's "future" is here and it sucks.
My hard working oldest son cannot afford health care. His teeth are rotting in his head and the health care that he has received that he couldn't afford to pay for at the time has brought collection bureaus and court judgments into his life. He lives paycheck to paycheck and feels like a failure at times because the American Dream of a home, family and back yard barbeques hasn't happened for him.
My daughter, and her newly discharged Marine are about to lose their apartment because the military has taken so long to process his discharge and the GI Bill that they naively thought was going to support them while he went to school. The Military also owes him over four thousand dollars in back pay, that they have alternately approved and dissapproved for the last two years. They have no medical care and a baby coming.
My youngest, is still living at home,..working up the street making minimum wage, with no benefits or medical insurance. His girlfriend is about to give birth to our first grandchild.
What is going to happen to them? I lay in bed at night worrying about how they are going to navigate these treacherous waters and survive. They are all stressed and worried themselves. Their young lives should be filled with joy and anticipation. They should believe that hard work and good karma determines their destinations in this life and they cant, because it isnt true. Not any more. Not in this society, in this Country, here, what Wikipedia equates as the "homeland". And honestly, I find myself wanting to say "I hate this place", which pains me more than any words could express, but right now, I really do "hate this place". My America. It's become a foreign landscape to me.
So, for a few minutes, I thought I'd move to Canada.
"I wonder if I could find a job in Canada?"
Yeah, Crazy, I know. Why in the world would I want to move to Canada? But the thought spun like a tornado in my brain,..the hubs could find work there,..maybe not me,..how different from Montana could it be? Could I be that far from the kids? Would the kids want to go? Could we afford to live there,..they all talk kind of, well, funny, but they seem more like us than not, and what would I be,..................thats where the thought made my heart shudder,..what would I be?
Would I be an "expatriate" and exactly what does that mean?
Wikipedia~An expatriate (in abbreviated form, expat) is a person temporarily or permanently residing in a country and culture other than that of the person's upbringing or legal residence. The word comes from the Latin terms ex ("out of") and patria ("country, fatherland").
So, whoa, okay, not an "Ex-Patriot",..if there even is such a thing. Maybe it's just a spelling thing. Maybe not.
And did that ever get me thinking,...
"Patriot",..to my mind now, was a label highjacked by simple minded selfish people who carry hate filled signs with tea bags hanging from their hats. Before, impression of a patriot cam from the pages of the books at school and the bookshelf of history books my step father had at home. Patriots were people who risked their lives in pursuit of what they believed was their innate right to have representation in their government.
Did I ever feel like a patriot,..no. I have felt patriotic,..proud of my country, yes. There have been times when my heart has soared, and broken in unity with a million others across this country. When the towers fell I was living in small town Montana, but I felt like it happened to all of us. And when Obama was elected, I was proud of this country, because, at that time anyway, I felt like we had passed a great milestone in electing a man of color to lead us. But I never felt like a "Patriot",..now I was seriously, however fleetingly, considering becoming an "Ex-Patriot".
Why?
Fear, mostly, anxiety over the direction that I see our country going. The catastrophe that is our economy, the hate,..the anger,..greed over humanity,..a generation of our children being dumped into an economic abyss.
We've gone down a rabbit hole and I dont know how or if, we can ever go back. And let me be clear, it's not just the economy that has me agonizing,..its our society. People who can cheer over a hypothetical man dying because he has no insurance and boo at a man who walked where bullets flew because he is gay. I see these things on t v and I read about them and it makes me sick. Knowing that other people are seeing and reading about my America that way makes me ashamed. Reading the stories left on the Occupy Wall Street website made me cry,..really cry. And the things that I am reading now about the "rights" reaction to Occupy Wall Street make me want to scream. Thugs? The Tea Party marching on Washington hanging effigies of my president were not "Thugs" Mr. Cantor?
How did we become so fractured? How did people living the same history become so polarized? On some level hate has historically been accepted, but now? Now? We are supposed to be a generation of educated enlightened people and able to figure this damn thing out.
We aren't. And we wont.
And the level of stupidity in all of it is just ridiculous. The average card carrying tea party, Obama bashing, toe the "Right" line of thinking people are too stupid to realize that they are part of the 99 percent. They dont get that they have been manipulated by big business,..and a terrifyingly few individuals into accepting a political platform that is the exact opposite of THEIR BEST INTERESTS. And not to mention, just plain wrong. To be truly Christ like is to walk the path of Christ, in kindness and light, with open arms and a generous heart. And we have the Westoboro Baptist Church who thinks it's right to spew hate from the edges of funerals and remonstrate people like Elizabeth Edwards and Steve Jobs because they can make headlines!
It's common to hear politicians speak of our children in their speeches,.."leaving debt for our children" is a popular Republican phrase,..but it was always in the context of what we are doing now and how it affects the future. Well, the future is here, my children's "future" is here and it sucks.
My hard working oldest son cannot afford health care. His teeth are rotting in his head and the health care that he has received that he couldn't afford to pay for at the time has brought collection bureaus and court judgments into his life. He lives paycheck to paycheck and feels like a failure at times because the American Dream of a home, family and back yard barbeques hasn't happened for him.
My daughter, and her newly discharged Marine are about to lose their apartment because the military has taken so long to process his discharge and the GI Bill that they naively thought was going to support them while he went to school. The Military also owes him over four thousand dollars in back pay, that they have alternately approved and dissapproved for the last two years. They have no medical care and a baby coming.
My youngest, is still living at home,..working up the street making minimum wage, with no benefits or medical insurance. His girlfriend is about to give birth to our first grandchild.
What is going to happen to them? I lay in bed at night worrying about how they are going to navigate these treacherous waters and survive. They are all stressed and worried themselves. Their young lives should be filled with joy and anticipation. They should believe that hard work and good karma determines their destinations in this life and they cant, because it isnt true. Not any more. Not in this society, in this Country, here, what Wikipedia equates as the "homeland". And honestly, I find myself wanting to say "I hate this place", which pains me more than any words could express, but right now, I really do "hate this place". My America. It's become a foreign landscape to me.
So, for a few minutes, I thought I'd move to Canada.
Saturday, September 24, 2011
A letter
Dear Republican candidates,
You know who you are, but I will list your names
Rick Perry
Michele Bauchman
Mitt Romney
Herman Cain
Newt Gingrich
Jon Huntsman
Ron Paul,
I'm aware that there are more of you, but you are the gang of seven that I've been listening to.
And I'd appreciate it, if you would now listen to me.
Mr. Huntsman, I understand that you were the Governor of Utah, and I've read that you were a personal friend of Barack Obama,..to you, I say simply this,..you missed it. You had a chance to stand apart from the rest and castigate those in the crowd that booed a man who served our country with honor because he said he was gay. Because of that, I am dismissing you,..if you are not that quick on your feet to recognize a political gift when it is handed to you, I don't want you as my president. As much as honor and integrity, I need a president who can navigate the political waters now pooling.
Mr. Cain, honestly, I am just disappointed that a man of color would stand on a stage with candidates who, if they are not overtly racist, have supporters who speak for them, that clearly are. Not that I think you should step off the stage, but I'd like it if you addressed the issue. It would make you appear brave enough for me to consider. That, and the 999 thing,..it's cheesy, and changing the tax code isnt going to happen.
Mr. Paul, you are just clueless,. and stupid. Do you honestly believe that a man who needs medical care to save his life can rely on churches and medical providers to work together to save him? Get real. How can you not believe that as human beings we have a responsibility to one another? I'll pay a few more bucks in taxes to make the new health care program work. Most people would.
Mr. Romney, you might as well put a fork in your campaign,..it's essentially done. Karl Rove proved that any shift in opinion on anything can take even the most honorable of public servants down. You are a flip flopper now. And, I'm sorry, it's not my problem,..but there are too many of your party, those on the religious side of right, who ignorant of Mormonism. They dont get it and they fear you.
Ms. Bachman, Frankly, you scare the hell out of me. I remember not all that long ago listening to George W. Bush speak on the stump and thinking,..he'll never get elected, he's a hypocrite,..and we all know how that turned out. I am truly afraid that you will be standing in the Oval Office one day scoffing at the world and taking us down the drink with you. That said, you just arent the sharpest tool in the shed. You dont think before you speak and you are more of ambition than you are of service.
Mr. Gingrich,..what scares me about you is that you are a gifted politician and sometimes some of the things you say make sense to me. Unfortunately, your moral character will be your undoing. Who divorces their wife in the middle of cancer anyway?
And Last, but definitely not Least, Mr. Perry. Again, I am reminded of George W. Bush. The two of you seem to use your faith for political gain and it's not passing the smell test,..with me anyway. The other thing the two of you have in common is that you arent exactly intellectual. Snobby little Democrat that I am, I need an intellectual in the White House. I need someone who can stand toe to toe with the thinkers of this world,..who can think outside of the box,..and you can do neither.
So I'm done with the Repblicans and I turn to President Obama,.."my" president.
Dear Mr. President,..Please, please please, stop trying to ride the fence. It's all warm and fuzzy to want consensus across the aisle and all that,..but it's just not gonna happen. Not now,..maybe not ever again. Stand on your principals,..even when it's a lonely stance. And it's time you bit the bullet on this tax thing. Raise the damn taxes. If I have to pay more taxes, I will. It wont change my life all that much really,..and it's the right thing to do.
Thank you.
You know who you are, but I will list your names
Rick Perry
Michele Bauchman
Mitt Romney
Herman Cain
Newt Gingrich
Jon Huntsman
Ron Paul,
I'm aware that there are more of you, but you are the gang of seven that I've been listening to.
And I'd appreciate it, if you would now listen to me.
Mr. Huntsman, I understand that you were the Governor of Utah, and I've read that you were a personal friend of Barack Obama,..to you, I say simply this,..you missed it. You had a chance to stand apart from the rest and castigate those in the crowd that booed a man who served our country with honor because he said he was gay. Because of that, I am dismissing you,..if you are not that quick on your feet to recognize a political gift when it is handed to you, I don't want you as my president. As much as honor and integrity, I need a president who can navigate the political waters now pooling.
Mr. Cain, honestly, I am just disappointed that a man of color would stand on a stage with candidates who, if they are not overtly racist, have supporters who speak for them, that clearly are. Not that I think you should step off the stage, but I'd like it if you addressed the issue. It would make you appear brave enough for me to consider. That, and the 999 thing,..it's cheesy, and changing the tax code isnt going to happen.
Mr. Paul, you are just clueless,. and stupid. Do you honestly believe that a man who needs medical care to save his life can rely on churches and medical providers to work together to save him? Get real. How can you not believe that as human beings we have a responsibility to one another? I'll pay a few more bucks in taxes to make the new health care program work. Most people would.
Mr. Romney, you might as well put a fork in your campaign,..it's essentially done. Karl Rove proved that any shift in opinion on anything can take even the most honorable of public servants down. You are a flip flopper now. And, I'm sorry, it's not my problem,..but there are too many of your party, those on the religious side of right, who ignorant of Mormonism. They dont get it and they fear you.
Ms. Bachman, Frankly, you scare the hell out of me. I remember not all that long ago listening to George W. Bush speak on the stump and thinking,..he'll never get elected, he's a hypocrite,..and we all know how that turned out. I am truly afraid that you will be standing in the Oval Office one day scoffing at the world and taking us down the drink with you. That said, you just arent the sharpest tool in the shed. You dont think before you speak and you are more of ambition than you are of service.
Mr. Gingrich,..what scares me about you is that you are a gifted politician and sometimes some of the things you say make sense to me. Unfortunately, your moral character will be your undoing. Who divorces their wife in the middle of cancer anyway?
And Last, but definitely not Least, Mr. Perry. Again, I am reminded of George W. Bush. The two of you seem to use your faith for political gain and it's not passing the smell test,..with me anyway. The other thing the two of you have in common is that you arent exactly intellectual. Snobby little Democrat that I am, I need an intellectual in the White House. I need someone who can stand toe to toe with the thinkers of this world,..who can think outside of the box,..and you can do neither.
So I'm done with the Repblicans and I turn to President Obama,.."my" president.
Dear Mr. President,..Please, please please, stop trying to ride the fence. It's all warm and fuzzy to want consensus across the aisle and all that,..but it's just not gonna happen. Not now,..maybe not ever again. Stand on your principals,..even when it's a lonely stance. And it's time you bit the bullet on this tax thing. Raise the damn taxes. If I have to pay more taxes, I will. It wont change my life all that much really,..and it's the right thing to do.
Thank you.
Friday, September 9, 2011
Amazing
I havent been this excited since I got my first apartment
seriously
I am beside myself with giddy anticipation
there is going to be a place on this planet that is mine
All mine
A door that I can close
that will require a knock to walk through
sweet quiet if I want,
my music if I want
I'm going to call it my happy place,
My office
I have worked in pod land for so long that I'm sure it will take some adjustment
but I'm ready for it
I know that it's going to energize me
I'm going to be able to concentrate without interruption
produce!
Hell, I might get caught up
seriously
I am beside myself with giddy anticipation
there is going to be a place on this planet that is mine
All mine
A door that I can close
that will require a knock to walk through
sweet quiet if I want,
my music if I want
I'm going to call it my happy place,
My office
I have worked in pod land for so long that I'm sure it will take some adjustment
but I'm ready for it
I know that it's going to energize me
I'm going to be able to concentrate without interruption
produce!
Hell, I might get caught up
Monday, September 5, 2011
Blue
At times
he walks as if in a daze
floating through each day
barely lifting his feet from the floor
His eyes, bare the blackness he is feeling
Other times,
he paces, up and down,
shoes tromping on the floor throughout the night
Going, going, going
Going nowhere, Going nowhere, is the sound that they make
And sometimes
He rages,..
imagined, perceived, slights
angry words spit into the air,..
endless diatribes,
it's useless to talk to him
he doesnt hear anything but the sound of his own thoughts
until he talks himself quiet
"You have no idea",..he says,
Well, I have some idea, because I live with you
I live with mental illness
untreated,..un-acknowledged
however, self-medicated
there, but not there, in the open
I've asked myself Why a million times
how the "perfect child" turned in this direction
so smart, and talented, likeable and full of promise
now, so unhappy, torn, so lost.
From time to time I see images of who he used to be
a smile, a hearty laugh, a light behind his darkened eyes
and I want to wrap my arms around him and beg him to stay
So, I'm trying to read all of this, face it, acknowledge it,..if it's there.
Bi-Polar is such a vague diagnosis,..easy to say and write on a chart, treat with a prescription pad. And then walk away. I think alot about it,..spent hours and hours reading Bi-polar stories online,..looking for answers.
And there are days when I am just mad about it. He should be out there,..fulfilling his promise,..living in a messy bachelor pad and going to work each day. But he's here and I'm in the parent with no say role. Owner of a home I have no control over,..waiting for a phone call, the police at the door,..losing sleep waiting for the door to open in the night,..and heaving a sigh that this will not be the night tragedy comes.
I worry about his future,..where his illness will take him,..what it will take from him. Where he would be if he didnt have us,..And sometimes, selfishly, I'm just pissed,..because of where his illness has taken us,..what it's already taken from us and mourning that part of my life I'm not getting to lead...
So where now, what now,...
when son, will you see that you have a choice to make here,...and get the help that you need.
he walks as if in a daze
floating through each day
barely lifting his feet from the floor
His eyes, bare the blackness he is feeling
Other times,
he paces, up and down,
shoes tromping on the floor throughout the night
Going, going, going
Going nowhere, Going nowhere, is the sound that they make
And sometimes
He rages,..
imagined, perceived, slights
angry words spit into the air,..
endless diatribes,
it's useless to talk to him
he doesnt hear anything but the sound of his own thoughts
until he talks himself quiet
"You have no idea",..he says,
Well, I have some idea, because I live with you
I live with mental illness
untreated,..un-acknowledged
however, self-medicated
there, but not there, in the open
I've asked myself Why a million times
how the "perfect child" turned in this direction
so smart, and talented, likeable and full of promise
now, so unhappy, torn, so lost.
From time to time I see images of who he used to be
a smile, a hearty laugh, a light behind his darkened eyes
and I want to wrap my arms around him and beg him to stay
So, I'm trying to read all of this, face it, acknowledge it,..if it's there.
Bi-Polar is such a vague diagnosis,..easy to say and write on a chart, treat with a prescription pad. And then walk away. I think alot about it,..spent hours and hours reading Bi-polar stories online,..looking for answers.
And there are days when I am just mad about it. He should be out there,..fulfilling his promise,..living in a messy bachelor pad and going to work each day. But he's here and I'm in the parent with no say role. Owner of a home I have no control over,..waiting for a phone call, the police at the door,..losing sleep waiting for the door to open in the night,..and heaving a sigh that this will not be the night tragedy comes.
I worry about his future,..where his illness will take him,..what it will take from him. Where he would be if he didnt have us,..And sometimes, selfishly, I'm just pissed,..because of where his illness has taken us,..what it's already taken from us and mourning that part of my life I'm not getting to lead...
So where now, what now,...
when son, will you see that you have a choice to make here,...and get the help that you need.
Sunday, September 4, 2011
It's the truth I swear
Michelle Bachman is responsible for AIDS
It's the truth, and I can document it-completely
Sources close to Bachman confirm that she spent her sport fucking days in Africa. It was there that she flirted with bestiality and a well documented three way with a gorilla by the name of "Thor", and another named "Winkey".. subsequently she became an "Aids-carrier",..immune herself to the virus, she carries it and infects others.
Credible witnesses have come forward to tell their stories,..how they went to Bachman and Associates clinic desperate for assistance in becoming straight and who were coerced into having sex with Bachman as part of their treatment. These witnesses, who have signed sworn statements and passed lie detector tests, confirm that they were infected with the AIDS virus after being treated at the Bachman and Associates Clinic. They also talk of those who did not survive.
Michelle Bachman has been the tip of the spear in fighting against National Health Care and we now know why,..she doesn't want her ugly secret to come out. Hundreds of internet web site attest to the truth,..thousands of people know the truth,..some have been paid to keep their silence,..some have been threatened with their lives should they come forward,..others appear to have had some sort of
"treatment" that causes them to think Michelle Bachman is the messiah,...
Pass this information on. Forward to all of your e-mail friends, post of Facebook and tweet the truth.
You read it here,..you know it's true!
UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE
Michelle Bachman now tied to Lesbian Affiar with Sarah Palin,.. details to follow!
It's the truth, and I can document it-completely
Sources close to Bachman confirm that she spent her sport fucking days in Africa. It was there that she flirted with bestiality and a well documented three way with a gorilla by the name of "Thor", and another named "Winkey".. subsequently she became an "Aids-carrier",..immune herself to the virus, she carries it and infects others.
Credible witnesses have come forward to tell their stories,..how they went to Bachman and Associates clinic desperate for assistance in becoming straight and who were coerced into having sex with Bachman as part of their treatment. These witnesses, who have signed sworn statements and passed lie detector tests, confirm that they were infected with the AIDS virus after being treated at the Bachman and Associates Clinic. They also talk of those who did not survive.
Michelle Bachman has been the tip of the spear in fighting against National Health Care and we now know why,..she doesn't want her ugly secret to come out. Hundreds of internet web site attest to the truth,..thousands of people know the truth,..some have been paid to keep their silence,..some have been threatened with their lives should they come forward,..others appear to have had some sort of
"treatment" that causes them to think Michelle Bachman is the messiah,...
Pass this information on. Forward to all of your e-mail friends, post of Facebook and tweet the truth.
You read it here,..you know it's true!
UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE
Michelle Bachman now tied to Lesbian Affiar with Sarah Palin,.. details to follow!
Sundays cool breeze
Sunday of a Labor Day weekend, and my hubby is laboring in Colstrip today and tomorrow. Two double time days that will bump up the checking account nicely. Friday we went to a friends and had a few,...Saturday we went to another's and I played DD,..not that I minded. Friday still hurt my head.
This holiday has been uncharacteristically cool. Usually we are sitting and sweating,..longing for fall to come and take the heat away,..but the high yesterday was in the 70's and it supposed to be just a tad warmer than that today. I'm liking it. Liking it Alot. I look out the window from my laptop and think about going out into the garden,..but I'm using the grass as an excuse,..it hasnt been mowed in a week, and I'll just get all cranky being out there wishing the kid would get it done. So, I'm going to sit here awhile,..float around the net,..and then I'm going to play with my nails. At some point I will do the dishes,..start a load of laundry and contemplate what I'm going to do for dinner (burgers will probably win),..but for now, I'm a bloggin,..........................
This is the me that no one knows,..not really. The one who'll hit the bowl a few times, bring up Itunes and find something that matches my mood and wax philosophical. Today it's Adelle. Love that voice. It's a voice that you "feel" more than you hear. Janis Joplin was like that. Adelle has some Janis in her,..a little like that singer from four non blondes,..nice all the way around.
Today I found Jenna Marbles- she's hysterical. I love the internet, Meghan Tonjes, Jenna Marbles, Plasma Speedo,..there's a lot of talented and funny women out there I would never have known about if not for the internet!!!
This holiday has been uncharacteristically cool. Usually we are sitting and sweating,..longing for fall to come and take the heat away,..but the high yesterday was in the 70's and it supposed to be just a tad warmer than that today. I'm liking it. Liking it Alot. I look out the window from my laptop and think about going out into the garden,..but I'm using the grass as an excuse,..it hasnt been mowed in a week, and I'll just get all cranky being out there wishing the kid would get it done. So, I'm going to sit here awhile,..float around the net,..and then I'm going to play with my nails. At some point I will do the dishes,..start a load of laundry and contemplate what I'm going to do for dinner (burgers will probably win),..but for now, I'm a bloggin,..........................
This is the me that no one knows,..not really. The one who'll hit the bowl a few times, bring up Itunes and find something that matches my mood and wax philosophical. Today it's Adelle. Love that voice. It's a voice that you "feel" more than you hear. Janis Joplin was like that. Adelle has some Janis in her,..a little like that singer from four non blondes,..nice all the way around.
Today I found Jenna Marbles- she's hysterical. I love the internet, Meghan Tonjes, Jenna Marbles, Plasma Speedo,..there's a lot of talented and funny women out there I would never have known about if not for the internet!!!
Sunday, August 28, 2011
Reflections on Facebook
Recently, and somewhat reluctantly, I accepted the friend request of the girlfriend, of a friend of my son. I have had one conversation with the young girl,..standing in front of her house when I was trying to find my son. She was/is 23, I think, and half way through pregnancy with her sixth child when I met her. The request came a week later. And everyday in one way or another her posts break my heart.
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Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Chillin,...finally
Last post was a bit, hmm,..angry. It had been building all day. Well, for awhile now. Love this safe place where I can get things out without hurting anyone!
Quiet night,..new music, "Active Child",..one of my weirder musical slants. Loving it though, a mix of classical, electronic and alternative,..great balance of the three. I would like to take this on a long drive on a tree lined road with the sun streaming through,..ahhhh.
I so need to go to a "happy place". The stress has built up too deep.
Quiet night,..new music, "Active Child",..one of my weirder musical slants. Loving it though, a mix of classical, electronic and alternative,..great balance of the three. I would like to take this on a long drive on a tree lined road with the sun streaming through,..ahhhh.
I so need to go to a "happy place". The stress has built up too deep.
Because I have to do it!
Annoyed are you?
I'm annoyed too. Here's why.
I have twice the responsibilities that you do. I had a lot to do today. And more than I saw coming.
One of the files I had to work on had some serious holes in it. No documentation in the file whatsoever at all about conversations had about a trailer. No trailer taxes added after the conversations you had about the trailer. One of the sellers names was spelled wrong.
The second transaction had another hole, not your fault, but another hole, no idea who was paying the realtors invoice.
The third thing that occupied my time and attention was a mistake you made on a commitment,..including property that had already been sold, and insured.
Every time you walked out of the office the phone rang,..or someone came in.
I asked you to drop a check off on your way back from lunch,..our time, not yours, but you decided not to because "you were on the phone with your sister".
When I was trying to train you,..you seriously needed to turn your "filter" on. Listen to me. Dont challenge what I am telling you. Ask a question, but do not,..DO NOT question what I am telling you. Just do it. I am your boss and you keep forgetting that.
It's nice to have a friendly,..easy going office. I cut you a tremendous amount of slack on your tatoo's,..time on the personal phone calls,..ect,..but you are NOT MY EQUAL. Not inside the office you arent. And as long as I am there,..you wont be.
I'm annoyed too. Here's why.
I have twice the responsibilities that you do. I had a lot to do today. And more than I saw coming.
One of the files I had to work on had some serious holes in it. No documentation in the file whatsoever at all about conversations had about a trailer. No trailer taxes added after the conversations you had about the trailer. One of the sellers names was spelled wrong.
The second transaction had another hole, not your fault, but another hole, no idea who was paying the realtors invoice.
The third thing that occupied my time and attention was a mistake you made on a commitment,..including property that had already been sold, and insured.
Every time you walked out of the office the phone rang,..or someone came in.
I asked you to drop a check off on your way back from lunch,..our time, not yours, but you decided not to because "you were on the phone with your sister".
When I was trying to train you,..you seriously needed to turn your "filter" on. Listen to me. Dont challenge what I am telling you. Ask a question, but do not,..DO NOT question what I am telling you. Just do it. I am your boss and you keep forgetting that.
It's nice to have a friendly,..easy going office. I cut you a tremendous amount of slack on your tatoo's,..time on the personal phone calls,..ect,..but you are NOT MY EQUAL. Not inside the office you arent. And as long as I am there,..you wont be.
Sunday, August 14, 2011
WTF? Corporations are people too?
Why are corporations formed in the first place?
Forming a corporation limits the amount of legal liability for the owner of the corporation for the corporations business activities and debts. In the eyes of the law, a corporation is a separate entity.
So, if you want to eliminate potential personal liability in your business,...INCORPORATE
If you fail,..it's not you that fails,..it's the corporation,...if you default,..it's not you that defaults,..it's the corporation! Say, someone tries to sue you and attach your assets,..they cant attach the corporate assets,..because they arent you!
Yes,..there is that little pesky double tax issue,..the corporation is taxed and then the shareholders are taxed on the dividends they derive from the corporation. But that only happens with really big corporations,..and not Mom and Pop who incorporate the grocery store,..or the farm. Like everyone else,..they pay taxes on the salary that they make,..not the dividends that large profitable corporations pay out. And, those stockholders that pay taxes on their dividends,..should pay taxes on the income they derive from their dividends. It is income,..and the IRS does collect income taxes,..right?
That said,...
Mitt Rommney,. my irritation with you, as well as a number, if not most, Republican frontrunners for the nomination is this,..not that you prioritize corporate rights in your platform,..but that you fail to recognize, individual rights. Mom and Pop,..with kids, bills, and a mortgage. Instead you equate corporations to people,..and that's a stretch,..at best.
Too many people in this country have lost their jobs because the corporations you protect are outsourcing their labor to foreign countries, or they have downsized and have actually increased their income in doing so. Other's have lost their jobs because of the unfair trade practices of other countries. Bottom line, is that the American People,..want to go back to work. That's what you need to focus your campaign on.
Forget that,.."lowering taxes increases jobs". Since Bush cut the taxes the unemployment rate has soared. It didn't work,..it was a theory worth trying but it didn't work,..so hang that up. If you want to be my president,..show me a plan that will actually reduces the unemployment rate,..which, because people pay taxes only when they work,..that will increase the overall tax revenue. At some point in time you were elected to public office because people thought you were qualified to find solutions to their problems. If you want to be my elected official,..I want to know how you are going to solve my problems.
You said that corporations "were people too",..well, so are the unemployed. See their faces,..and needs,..solve their problems and the rest of ours at the same time. Stump for potential constituents,.not potential donors. Your thinking in recent speeches is an example of what's wrong,..the fact that you and your advisors fail to see that,..is sad.
Forming a corporation limits the amount of legal liability for the owner of the corporation for the corporations business activities and debts. In the eyes of the law, a corporation is a separate entity.
So, if you want to eliminate potential personal liability in your business,...INCORPORATE
If you fail,..it's not you that fails,..it's the corporation,...if you default,..it's not you that defaults,..it's the corporation! Say, someone tries to sue you and attach your assets,..they cant attach the corporate assets,..because they arent you!
Yes,..there is that little pesky double tax issue,..the corporation is taxed and then the shareholders are taxed on the dividends they derive from the corporation. But that only happens with really big corporations,..and not Mom and Pop who incorporate the grocery store,..or the farm. Like everyone else,..they pay taxes on the salary that they make,..not the dividends that large profitable corporations pay out. And, those stockholders that pay taxes on their dividends,..should pay taxes on the income they derive from their dividends. It is income,..and the IRS does collect income taxes,..right?
That said,...
Mitt Rommney,. my irritation with you, as well as a number, if not most, Republican frontrunners for the nomination is this,..not that you prioritize corporate rights in your platform,..but that you fail to recognize, individual rights. Mom and Pop,..with kids, bills, and a mortgage. Instead you equate corporations to people,..and that's a stretch,..at best.
Too many people in this country have lost their jobs because the corporations you protect are outsourcing their labor to foreign countries, or they have downsized and have actually increased their income in doing so. Other's have lost their jobs because of the unfair trade practices of other countries. Bottom line, is that the American People,..want to go back to work. That's what you need to focus your campaign on.
Forget that,.."lowering taxes increases jobs". Since Bush cut the taxes the unemployment rate has soared. It didn't work,..it was a theory worth trying but it didn't work,..so hang that up. If you want to be my president,..show me a plan that will actually reduces the unemployment rate,..which, because people pay taxes only when they work,..that will increase the overall tax revenue. At some point in time you were elected to public office because people thought you were qualified to find solutions to their problems. If you want to be my elected official,..I want to know how you are going to solve my problems.
You said that corporations "were people too",..well, so are the unemployed. See their faces,..and needs,..solve their problems and the rest of ours at the same time. Stump for potential constituents,.not potential donors. Your thinking in recent speeches is an example of what's wrong,..the fact that you and your advisors fail to see that,..is sad.
Sunday, August 7, 2011
The nest and the rest of that story
It occured to me a couple of weeks ago that I never finished writing about the nest and what happened to the birds.
The short answer to that is
I dont know.
I started to hear the babies a couple of weeks after my first post about the birds. It was, at first, sweet, but later it almost became annoying as they called out hungry, or alone in the nest.
I did enjoy watching the adult birds darting back and forth on their feeding missions,..struggling little bugs hanging out of their beaks.
Then one night, we had a hell of a storm. Don and Lori were over and we sat on the back porch while the wind whipped and wailed, tossing branches from the trees and knocking over the lawn chairs.
The next morning I saw the birds going from their perch to the ground and knew the babies had been blown from the next. A couple of days later I heard the catbird going crazy and went out to find him flying wildly in and out of one of my potted plants, missy underneath, and one of the babies with her pouncing distance.
I chased Missy away and tried to catch the baby, who, despite not being able to fly, was faster than me. He went into the hedges where I listened to him call for his mother,..agonizingly, for hours.
And that was the last I heard of the Catbirds. I never found mangled little bodies, so I have hope that they relocated somewhere away from our cats.
The short answer to that is
I dont know.
I started to hear the babies a couple of weeks after my first post about the birds. It was, at first, sweet, but later it almost became annoying as they called out hungry, or alone in the nest.
I did enjoy watching the adult birds darting back and forth on their feeding missions,..struggling little bugs hanging out of their beaks.
Then one night, we had a hell of a storm. Don and Lori were over and we sat on the back porch while the wind whipped and wailed, tossing branches from the trees and knocking over the lawn chairs.
The next morning I saw the birds going from their perch to the ground and knew the babies had been blown from the next. A couple of days later I heard the catbird going crazy and went out to find him flying wildly in and out of one of my potted plants, missy underneath, and one of the babies with her pouncing distance.
I chased Missy away and tried to catch the baby, who, despite not being able to fly, was faster than me. He went into the hedges where I listened to him call for his mother,..agonizingly, for hours.
And that was the last I heard of the Catbirds. I never found mangled little bodies, so I have hope that they relocated somewhere away from our cats.
The wannabe poet
I remember the wannabe poet
Who thought she could paint with words
Spilled sadness in ink
On ruled pages
Words that she couldn’t say
Bound with wire and kept in a box under the bed
A life time has passed now
And she wants to paint again
Words in a different hue
With a new brush
But the words are slow in coming
Perhaps from a lifetime
Of doing nothing with the things she could say.
Written: April 6, 2008
Who thought she could paint with words
Spilled sadness in ink
On ruled pages
Words that she couldn’t say
Bound with wire and kept in a box under the bed
A life time has passed now
And she wants to paint again
Words in a different hue
With a new brush
But the words are slow in coming
Perhaps from a lifetime
Of doing nothing with the things she could say.
Written: April 6, 2008
I really feel rather strongly about this
"Athena",...how many times did a woman say to me, "oh, what a beautiful name!",...
truth is, many, many times.
Never heard it from a man though,..I did hear,.."how do you pronounce that?"(after I had said it, Men are dumb), or "what do people call you?",..or "what does that mean?"
And it did mean something. Athena was the Greek Goddess of Wisdom and War, and as an old family tale goes my father chose the name joking "she'll grow up to be a smartass, like me!".
I am a smart ass, but thankfully, nothing like him.
I dont use the name,..and there are many reasons
For starters,...."Althea, Aleena, Areena, Aretha, Epinijia (yes, I have actually been called that)
Those names were just annoying,..but it was the sing songy, drawn out somewhat accurate pronunciation of my name that hurt " Atheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeennnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa", as it came in the jeers of groups of children on the playground, at the pool,..in the park. Wherever other children gathered,..I heard it.
And later, it showed...
My name was the seed that planted this picture. A picture that says it all.
I am the unhappy looking one on the right. I dont remember what this occasion was, and I'm fairly sure there was no particular reason for my expression,..it's just who I was at that time,..hating to have my picture taken,..feeling stiff and outside of the "crowd" Awkward,..I always did feel awkward. There isnt a picture in existence, I am sure, where I am hamming it up with friends,..smiling freely, or laughing. The school pictures were worse. They are gone now,..Thank God.
In that old Johnny Cash song "A Boy named Sue" the idea is that a name can build character, or "make" someone feel special, or stronger. My name didnt make me stronger, or feel special. It just made me feel like an outsider,...and made me wish my name was normal,..that someone else in class also had the name,..even now, I'd like a name I didnt have to explain or spell for people. When I can avoid the name "Athena" I do. It brings back visions of the girl you see in the picture,..not the woman I am now and feel pretty good about.
I always HATED my name.Even my family didnt use it. My grandmother thought it was a silly name and called me "Tina Marie",..my own mother called me "Thena" as a child,..and "Tina" today. Which is, finally, and thankfully, what everyone calls me now.
So, what's in a name? Everything. A name can be a life long sentence. Unique? Let a talent, or an ideology, or a look, make a person unique. That's honest,..but a unique name,..at least for the first twenty years of your life,..just makes you weird.
truth is, many, many times.
Never heard it from a man though,..I did hear,.."how do you pronounce that?"(after I had said it, Men are dumb), or "what do people call you?",..or "what does that mean?"
And it did mean something. Athena was the Greek Goddess of Wisdom and War, and as an old family tale goes my father chose the name joking "she'll grow up to be a smartass, like me!".
I am a smart ass, but thankfully, nothing like him.
I dont use the name,..and there are many reasons
For starters,...."Althea, Aleena, Areena, Aretha, Epinijia (yes, I have actually been called that)
Those names were just annoying,..but it was the sing songy, drawn out somewhat accurate pronunciation of my name that hurt " Atheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeennnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa", as it came in the jeers of groups of children on the playground, at the pool,..in the park. Wherever other children gathered,..I heard it.
And later, it showed...
My name was the seed that planted this picture. A picture that says it all.
I am the unhappy looking one on the right. I dont remember what this occasion was, and I'm fairly sure there was no particular reason for my expression,..it's just who I was at that time,..hating to have my picture taken,..feeling stiff and outside of the "crowd" Awkward,..I always did feel awkward. There isnt a picture in existence, I am sure, where I am hamming it up with friends,..smiling freely, or laughing. The school pictures were worse. They are gone now,..Thank God.
In that old Johnny Cash song "A Boy named Sue" the idea is that a name can build character, or "make" someone feel special, or stronger. My name didnt make me stronger, or feel special. It just made me feel like an outsider,...and made me wish my name was normal,..that someone else in class also had the name,..even now, I'd like a name I didnt have to explain or spell for people. When I can avoid the name "Athena" I do. It brings back visions of the girl you see in the picture,..not the woman I am now and feel pretty good about.
I always HATED my name.Even my family didnt use it. My grandmother thought it was a silly name and called me "Tina Marie",..my own mother called me "Thena" as a child,..and "Tina" today. Which is, finally, and thankfully, what everyone calls me now.
So, what's in a name? Everything. A name can be a life long sentence. Unique? Let a talent, or an ideology, or a look, make a person unique. That's honest,..but a unique name,..at least for the first twenty years of your life,..just makes you weird.
Sunday, July 31, 2011
Democracy as a soundtrack
As I begin this post I am listening to the live feed from the senate floor on the Debt Ceiling debate. Sen. John McCain and the good Senator from Illinois have just had a lively and fascinating exchange that was both civil and humorous, while being diametrically opposed. ahh,..the way things are supposed to be. Intelligent, respectful, debate. It probably wont happen again. It's enjoyable to listen to though.
I had a really special American Government teacher when I was in high school, he, and our Free Enterprise teacher combined to give me not only an interest in politics, but an understanding of my personal responsibility in the process. My vote counts. Mr. Miller, and Mr. Boles,..I have never forgotten that. I educate myself (harder to do now than it was in the 70's) and I exercise my constitutional right and responsibility to vote. I have also tried to instill that thinking into my children. I took them out of school to hear Bill Clinton speak in Billings, we've had years of conversations and debates around the kitchen table about the responsibility of political awareness and participation. The oldest gets it,..the other two dont have the time or the interest.
It's too bad,..these are fascinating, and oftentimes depressing times in politics. There are very few places to get an completely unvarnished education on the issues. Factcheck.org, is one, but there aren't a lot. What this means is actually getting the facts, and only the facts, with which to form your political opinions is tough. It's human nature to gravitate toward one media outlet or another that has your personal interests outwardly at hand. But, even the websites that lean in my direction,..lean too far on the left, and too often, the truth. Reason minded people want the facts, and only the facts, given to them by people who dont have a dog in the fight. If you are being responsible about your vote, the way that I was taught to be,..it's next to impossible to get a clear and honest view of the issues. I often wonder what channel Mr. Miller watches on TV now, Fox or MSNBC. I heard him lecture on politics, during the Watergate scandal, for over a year, and I never heard him identify himself with one political party or another. He was a good teacher.
The vote has been taken,..50-49, but not by the majority, so it doesnt pass. Another speedbump and we are heading into the great unknown. There are hints in the news that the GOP is working around the Democratic party directly with the president,..that, if true, will be noted in the next election. Everyone is mad. People are already losing money in the market, seniors are worried their SS checks wont be in the mail on Tuesday, and all of our elected officials seem to be running around, spouting talking points, and getting no where. A very learned voter I know said today he wont be voting for any incumbents,.. (Tea Party thinking?,,ARGH!)....
I will try and post back when this is said, and done, or not done,...
I had a really special American Government teacher when I was in high school, he, and our Free Enterprise teacher combined to give me not only an interest in politics, but an understanding of my personal responsibility in the process. My vote counts. Mr. Miller, and Mr. Boles,..I have never forgotten that. I educate myself (harder to do now than it was in the 70's) and I exercise my constitutional right and responsibility to vote. I have also tried to instill that thinking into my children. I took them out of school to hear Bill Clinton speak in Billings, we've had years of conversations and debates around the kitchen table about the responsibility of political awareness and participation. The oldest gets it,..the other two dont have the time or the interest.
The vote has been taken,..50-49, but not by the majority, so it doesnt pass. Another speedbump and we are heading into the great unknown. There are hints in the news that the GOP is working around the Democratic party directly with the president,..that, if true, will be noted in the next election. Everyone is mad. People are already losing money in the market, seniors are worried their SS checks wont be in the mail on Tuesday, and all of our elected officials seem to be running around, spouting talking points, and getting no where. A very learned voter I know said today he wont be voting for any incumbents,.. (Tea Party thinking?,,ARGH!)....
I will try and post back when this is said, and done, or not done,...
Saturday, July 9, 2011
Confunction
So Saturday, this is the way this usually goes.
I wake up, drag myself down the hall and into the kitchen for coffee. If George is home, he is usually up before me and having his first cup. We have conversation over my first cup and his second (usually his last). We talk.
About us, about the kids, about our jobs, about what's on the news, we talk. Still, after, (gotta stop and do the math...) twenty six years, we talk. Because, after all this time,..we still like each other.
Plans are made for the day, we get on track or off track, but in general we spend the day together, doing a lot, or doing nothing.
But, that is not typical of a Saturday. Most Saturdays he's either out of town working, or here working and occasionally, like on this Saturday, he has some place else he has to be. Today, it's a Union Meeting in Billings.
So while he is doing his secret handshake, hand signals and arguing, I am going to have a normal Saturday.
Which is fighting what I call the slog.
(stop to look up the online definition : to plod (one's way) perseveringly especially against difficulty ...hmmm)
The "slog", to me, anyway, is the "I want to get stuff done and just cant seem to" thing.
There are a ton of reasons (slash excuses) for this,..distraction is one. I get up from my coffee to check my e-mail and the next thing you know I am listening to music and watching nail tutorials on youtube. It used to be tv that distracted me and I used to be able to get around that by getting right up from my coffee and on to what needed to be done, but the other reason (slash excuse) I cant seem to get much done is my body. My damn, bloated, tired and broken old body. Until this summer, it was my achy back. I'd go out into the garden and one of two things would happen,..I'd work until it hurt and give up,..or I would continue long after it started to hurt and then I would walk like a cripple for days after. Now, it's not just my back,..it's more the constant state of "tired" that keeps me from getting stuff done. I'll get up to do the dishes and after five minutes of unloading the dishwasher and stacking the dishes to rinse, I have to sit down. It's not catching my breath exactly,..it's that my arms start to feel like they weigh a hundred pounds each and my legs seem to buckle under,..well, the rest of what I weigh, really weigh.
So now, I work in spurts. Do a little, sit a little,..try not to get distracted, slog through a few things,..sit awhile longer.
I HATE THIS!!!!
It pisses me off
Honestly, if it was just the housework,..I'd give in and say screw it, but I WANT to get out into the garden. I want to feel the sun,..smell the flowers, listen to the birds, feel the dirt on my hands,...make things pretty.
I spent ten minutes in one of the back beds cutting the daisies where they were crushing the speedwell. The plan was to knock out the Iris stalks too,..bending,..stooping,..pain,..almost immediately exhausted.
So I came back in and now I am hanging my head in my blog and feeling like a failure at doing the thing I love more than anything.
**( Pause for what might be a mistake )**
HAH!
Ouch,..
So frustration got the better of me and I stopped writing,..went out into that damn bed and cut the rest of the iris stalks,..looks better, but dammit my back is just burning like hell now!
It's going to be one of those days that I push it until I cant walk,..I can see it coming.
At least I'm going to like myself on Sunday.
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
So,..
There is so much to write about that it's kept me from writing,..
sounds strange, I know,..but I've got a big case of overwhelmed
All of these people bouncing around in my thoughts,..and yes,..I am worried about all of them
in one way or another.
Jill,..such a wonderful young woman,..she will always occupy a special and tender place in my heart.
We worked together for five years,..shared our day in, day out,..everyday,..and all of our secrets
We also shared the loss of another friend, to cancer.
And now, Jill, so young, and finally happy in her life, has cancer.
Words that haven't been a part of her vocabulary in so long, are everyday words
Stage,..chemo, radiation,..
she will be living in and out of hospital treatment rooms,..surrounded by people dressed in scrubs and well meaning smiles. They will all look at her and think,..she's so young
And she will live with the looks from those who love her,..the fear in their faces, the sadness in their eyes
and she will feel like she is disappointing them by being sick,..by leaving
it's too familiar a scene to me
not because I know how she feels but because I have seen this one too many times
my view of cancer
from the cheap seats
It's easy for me to tell her to think positive
to believe that she's going to get through it,..to fight the good fight,..
all words I've said before
Val had already lost the ability to think positive, and the will to fight
Sandy had the positive attitude, and was battle ready,..and God took her anyway
Charlie was just mad when cancer didn't take her
And Johnny,..Johnny would kick cancer's ass if he just had a fighting chance,..and a lot of money
The others in my brain,..
Ryan and Andrea,..
I have so enjoyed their fire and tenderness over these last five years
But, I always knew that they each brought baggage that was going to be hard to overcome completely.
Andrea was abandoned and rejected by both of her parents over and over,..and left to fly on her own
and while she had her eye in the prize,..when she was in school,..she played her hand well
Until,..it got just a little too comfortable
and frightening
She made a mistake flirting with the edge
and made it again
sabotage
Not that Ryan was perfect,..my Ryan is perfectly imperfect
he parties too much
his need to entertain and be loved by all may have crowded her at times
And now the ground is gone from under them
He jumped from a plane to celebrate his courage and daring,
and his world collapsed a phone call later.
Subconsciously, he knew
and forced the issue
The thing in the back of his mind that had taken him up in the plane to begin with
Because I am older now, and I know that re-definition is possible, and entirely do-able
Because I know that a Love's end only feels like dying
Because I know that what doesn't kill you does make you stronger
I know that he will be okay,
He doesn't know that yet,..but he will
a long, painful time from now,
he will
Andrea,..I hope that your eyes open to the hurt that is within you
and that you find healing
because you really deserve to be loved, and trusted,..and wanted
I hope that for the rest of my days, I have more than your memory,..
because I love you like one of my own.
Mom,
the whole time you are making small talk with me
I hear it in your voice,
you are tired
and weary
and worried
and maybe just a little fearful of where you will find yourself
when cancer takes him
all of these years with half of your heart in it
afraid to hurt and guarded
now, cancer has broken down that wall and you love
him fully
and you are going to lose him
Selfishly, I want to bring you "home"
so I can remind you, everyday,
how loved you are
and how much your love means to me
I will be here,..when cancer ends
So,now, I have written it down,..given words to my worries,..and set them free
not that I will stop worrying,..but
I recognize that it is better for me,..
to hand it off from time to time
sounds strange, I know,..but I've got a big case of overwhelmed
All of these people bouncing around in my thoughts,..and yes,..I am worried about all of them
in one way or another.
Jill,..such a wonderful young woman,..she will always occupy a special and tender place in my heart.
We worked together for five years,..shared our day in, day out,..everyday,..and all of our secrets
We also shared the loss of another friend, to cancer.
And now, Jill, so young, and finally happy in her life, has cancer.
Words that haven't been a part of her vocabulary in so long, are everyday words
Stage,..chemo, radiation,..
she will be living in and out of hospital treatment rooms,..surrounded by people dressed in scrubs and well meaning smiles. They will all look at her and think,..she's so young
And she will live with the looks from those who love her,..the fear in their faces, the sadness in their eyes
and she will feel like she is disappointing them by being sick,..by leaving
it's too familiar a scene to me
not because I know how she feels but because I have seen this one too many times
my view of cancer
from the cheap seats
It's easy for me to tell her to think positive
to believe that she's going to get through it,..to fight the good fight,..
all words I've said before
Val had already lost the ability to think positive, and the will to fight
Sandy had the positive attitude, and was battle ready,..and God took her anyway
Charlie was just mad when cancer didn't take her
And Johnny,..Johnny would kick cancer's ass if he just had a fighting chance,..and a lot of money
The others in my brain,..
Ryan and Andrea,..
I have so enjoyed their fire and tenderness over these last five years
But, I always knew that they each brought baggage that was going to be hard to overcome completely.
Andrea was abandoned and rejected by both of her parents over and over,..and left to fly on her own
and while she had her eye in the prize,..when she was in school,..she played her hand well
Until,..it got just a little too comfortable
and frightening
She made a mistake flirting with the edge
and made it again
sabotage
Not that Ryan was perfect,..my Ryan is perfectly imperfect
he parties too much
his need to entertain and be loved by all may have crowded her at times
And now the ground is gone from under them
He jumped from a plane to celebrate his courage and daring,
and his world collapsed a phone call later.
Subconsciously, he knew
and forced the issue
The thing in the back of his mind that had taken him up in the plane to begin with
Because I am older now, and I know that re-definition is possible, and entirely do-able
Because I know that a Love's end only feels like dying
Because I know that what doesn't kill you does make you stronger
I know that he will be okay,
He doesn't know that yet,..but he will
a long, painful time from now,
he will
Andrea,..I hope that your eyes open to the hurt that is within you
and that you find healing
because you really deserve to be loved, and trusted,..and wanted
I hope that for the rest of my days, I have more than your memory,..
because I love you like one of my own.
Mom,
the whole time you are making small talk with me
I hear it in your voice,
you are tired
and weary
and worried
and maybe just a little fearful of where you will find yourself
when cancer takes him
all of these years with half of your heart in it
afraid to hurt and guarded
now, cancer has broken down that wall and you love
him fully
and you are going to lose him
Selfishly, I want to bring you "home"
so I can remind you, everyday,
how loved you are
and how much your love means to me
I will be here,..when cancer ends
So,now, I have written it down,..given words to my worries,..and set them free
not that I will stop worrying,..but
I recognize that it is better for me,..
to hand it off from time to time
The Greatest Gift I have ever given to myself
The greatest gift I have ever given myself
is the ability to embrace
aloness
Although I like the term "By Myself" better
By myself, is like saying "with me"
Me, with me
Too many people surrender to the notion that happiness
is only found in the company of others
And while I love nothing more than to be surrounded by
interesting and smart people
and the people that I love
I enjoy time with myself
Listening to music, or reading
sitting beside a flower bed pulling weeds,
standing in the backyard on a wintery night
"feeling the cold"
Lying beneath the covers in the dark
and listening to my own thoughts
It took me awhile to figure this out
To appreciate who I am enough to just enjoy my own company
"Being" more than a reflection of what someone else
sees in me
The "real" me
It's certainly not an all the time thing
I could never be without people
but some of the best times I've ever had
have been when I was by myself
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
The Nest June 22, 2011
Ordinarilly, at this time of year I would be spending my lunch hours at the damn staring at the river. But with the Yellowstone over it's banks, the park at the damn has been closed and access denied. I miss the river, but the catbirds and their nest have captivated me in such a way that I'm not feeling the loss. Each morning before work,..and on my lunch hour, I sit at the table and watch them come and go,..and listening to their song. I read that they are the best teachers to help people learn to identifiy a birds song. Partly because there song is distinct, and partly because they are usually the first to begin their song each day, and the last to end it. Giving them space to be soloists. It's a beautiful song, and I hope to record it and place it here,..so when the winter has taken over my yard I can come back and remember it. Joy.
Also, joyful, is David's recent visits to the house. The tension is gone between the three of us and we have had dinner a couple of times. David came and mowed the lawn yesterday, which was stressing George out because he was too tired at the end of the day to do it. We are talking openly about the baby now,..doubts at bay, and supportive of him.
There are many blessings these days,..the scent of the iris throughout the yard is sweet and heavy. The roses are beginning to bloom and the daylillies are sending up scafes that will soon produce a wash of color, yellow for the Happy Returns, and pink, for Rosy Returns (then maybe I can find her). All of the rain that was so depressing has nourished the yard in a way I have never seen. Vibrant green grass, prolific daisies and the ornamental grasses are taking the water like fertilizer. The bird cages and planters look good too.
It's a lovely spring to see and smell and listening to the catbirds song gives it a soundtrack that is nourishing my soul.
Also, joyful, is David's recent visits to the house. The tension is gone between the three of us and we have had dinner a couple of times. David came and mowed the lawn yesterday, which was stressing George out because he was too tired at the end of the day to do it. We are talking openly about the baby now,..doubts at bay, and supportive of him.
There are many blessings these days,..the scent of the iris throughout the yard is sweet and heavy. The roses are beginning to bloom and the daylillies are sending up scafes that will soon produce a wash of color, yellow for the Happy Returns, and pink, for Rosy Returns (then maybe I can find her). All of the rain that was so depressing has nourished the yard in a way I have never seen. Vibrant green grass, prolific daisies and the ornamental grasses are taking the water like fertilizer. The bird cages and planters look good too.
It's a lovely spring to see and smell and listening to the catbirds song gives it a soundtrack that is nourishing my soul.
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Father's Day
It's a cloudy, and dreary Sunday. George is working and I'm in my regular Sunday Morning place,...
Most years that I can remember George has worked on Father's Day. It falls right at the end of turnaround and they are usually making their push to get the project completed. Still, he is Father's Day to me,..not having any good memories of my own father, and very few of the step father that raised me,..the father that I celebrate on this day is George. Everything I know about a father's love for his children I learned from George and my Grandfather. And I know that today, George is feeling this rift with David.
He had been asking me when Father's Day was for two weeks,..and it always led to a conversation about David. Yesterday he told me that he saw David in his truck a couple of blocks away. That's it,..just that he saw him. Like every other situation that has pained him,..he expresses it in passing,..not wanting to go too deep for fear he'd just fall in the hole that pain is.
When I think about George, and his Fatherhood, I go to my mental memory album,..him camping and fishing with the kids,..the day at the Big Timber water slide,..how excited he was to put their toys together on Christmas Eve,..the late night card games with Sarah. Watching their love has always been a joy to me. And it has quite adequately filled any void I may have felt for lack of having a real father myself.
To the Greatest Dad that I know~ Happy Father's Day!
Most years that I can remember George has worked on Father's Day. It falls right at the end of turnaround and they are usually making their push to get the project completed. Still, he is Father's Day to me,..not having any good memories of my own father, and very few of the step father that raised me,..the father that I celebrate on this day is George. Everything I know about a father's love for his children I learned from George and my Grandfather. And I know that today, George is feeling this rift with David.
He had been asking me when Father's Day was for two weeks,..and it always led to a conversation about David. Yesterday he told me that he saw David in his truck a couple of blocks away. That's it,..just that he saw him. Like every other situation that has pained him,..he expresses it in passing,..not wanting to go too deep for fear he'd just fall in the hole that pain is.
When I think about George, and his Fatherhood, I go to my mental memory album,..him camping and fishing with the kids,..the day at the Big Timber water slide,..how excited he was to put their toys together on Christmas Eve,..the late night card games with Sarah. Watching their love has always been a joy to me. And it has quite adequately filled any void I may have felt for lack of having a real father myself.
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
The Nest 6/14/11
So, since I made my initial post about the birds nest on the front wall, I've found somethings out. The birds are Catbirds, called that because their call to eachother sounds like a cats meow. They are mocking birds, which will often imitate the sound or song of other birds, they mate for life, and they are one of the only bird species that can outwit the cowbird,...more on that later.
And yes, I am still relating these birds to parenthood, and my relationship with David. Sure, it's just cosmic coincidence that they showed up to build a nest just as mine became empty, but I believe that I have something to learn here. Like other things that God has just laid out before me,..the river, to name one, these birds have something to teach me. Or at least guide me to realize myself,..I can feel it. And I am going to go with it.
The bird let me walk up slowly within about five feet of him when I took the first picture,..which surprised me. Because they seem to be hyper little things I thought he'd be more skitish,..but he just kept that one eye on me until I took one step too many and flit off to the roof of the garage next door,..no doubt waiting for me to back off. Ironic, being as that what I am doing, mentally, right now, is "backing off". It was just over a week ago that I was complaining about having David's life in my face, and from the moment he walked out the door all I could do was think,..where is he, what is he doing,..is he thinking,..??? George and I agreed as we inched into this transition that we needed to let David go,..not just from the house, but from our constant attention. He had swallowed up so much of our lives over the past five years that it was a definite shift in our mindset. We've been reminding each other that this is the time we've been looking forward to,..just the two of us. Something we have had very little of over the years. Still, backing off, is easier said than done. When David came back to collect the rest of his things, both George and I peppered him with questions,..about where he was staying,..about whether he would continue on with the Boilermakers. He was typical David. Guarded, cold,..who knows what he was really thinking,..he couldnt get out of the house fast enough. Like so many other times when he had hurt my feelings,..I had to remind myself that David just isnt wrapped like the rest of us. The psychologist in Billings was the first one to point that out to me,..in an encouraging way, that with treatment and medication he would allow himself to feel his feelings and appreciate mine. The second one to explain David was the counselor here in Forsyth, who was using it as a way to demonstrate his bi-polar diagnosis.
I've thought a lot about that over the last week or so,..not in the way that I have in the day in and day out panic of living with David since the first time he tried to end his life. But in memories,..as if traveling those roads again would somehow explain how we came here, and where we will be with David in the future.
When my own mother lamented to me about how she felt she failed as a mother, I told her that people most often do the best that they can do. That they are able to do, and that when you look at people that way, it's easy to forgive them. Whatever ills I felt toward my Mom were not that great and left me long ago. Now, as I look at what kind of mother I have been, I wonder,..
Will they forgive me?
Lord knows, I've made some huge mistakes. Huge. And their ghosts hang over my empty nest,..haunting me.
How simple it seems for these little birds,..build a nest, lay some eggs, nurture them until they can fly on their own and away. They will never come back to look at their empty nest,..and there will be no ghosts to torment them.
Oh, the Cowbird thing,..Cowbirds, of which I have no pictures, but could, because there are a crapton of them in Montana, have an odd approach to breeding, laying their eggs in the nests of other birds for them to raise,..sometimes at the expense of their own young because the cowbirds grow faster and are a bit more aggressive. The other birds dont recognize that these are not their young. Crazy. But Catbirds do. And when they discover the parasitic little cowbird babies that launch them out of the nest. Weird, but true.
Handsome little fellow
At least I think that this is the male. In general I know that the female comes and goes from the nest and that the little male comes and goes to this perch. But I have seen both on this perch so it is hard to tell. Because he has a mouth full, I am thinking that this is the male. No gender slam there, I'm just used to watching him bring her things.
I spent Saturday on the front porch getting the rest of the pots planted and putting Johnny's rose in the middle yard bed. I had my camera at hand and took a few more photo's.
Where secrets lie
The bird let me walk up slowly within about five feet of him when I took the first picture,..which surprised me. Because they seem to be hyper little things I thought he'd be more skitish,..but he just kept that one eye on me until I took one step too many and flit off to the roof of the garage next door,..no doubt waiting for me to back off. Ironic, being as that what I am doing, mentally, right now, is "backing off". It was just over a week ago that I was complaining about having David's life in my face, and from the moment he walked out the door all I could do was think,..where is he, what is he doing,..is he thinking,..??? George and I agreed as we inched into this transition that we needed to let David go,..not just from the house, but from our constant attention. He had swallowed up so much of our lives over the past five years that it was a definite shift in our mindset. We've been reminding each other that this is the time we've been looking forward to,..just the two of us. Something we have had very little of over the years. Still, backing off, is easier said than done. When David came back to collect the rest of his things, both George and I peppered him with questions,..about where he was staying,..about whether he would continue on with the Boilermakers. He was typical David. Guarded, cold,..who knows what he was really thinking,..he couldnt get out of the house fast enough. Like so many other times when he had hurt my feelings,..I had to remind myself that David just isnt wrapped like the rest of us. The psychologist in Billings was the first one to point that out to me,..in an encouraging way, that with treatment and medication he would allow himself to feel his feelings and appreciate mine. The second one to explain David was the counselor here in Forsyth, who was using it as a way to demonstrate his bi-polar diagnosis.
I've thought a lot about that over the last week or so,..not in the way that I have in the day in and day out panic of living with David since the first time he tried to end his life. But in memories,..as if traveling those roads again would somehow explain how we came here, and where we will be with David in the future.
When my own mother lamented to me about how she felt she failed as a mother, I told her that people most often do the best that they can do. That they are able to do, and that when you look at people that way, it's easy to forgive them. Whatever ills I felt toward my Mom were not that great and left me long ago. Now, as I look at what kind of mother I have been, I wonder,..
Will they forgive me?
Lord knows, I've made some huge mistakes. Huge. And their ghosts hang over my empty nest,..haunting me.
How simple it seems for these little birds,..build a nest, lay some eggs, nurture them until they can fly on their own and away. They will never come back to look at their empty nest,..and there will be no ghosts to torment them.
Oh, the Cowbird thing,..Cowbirds, of which I have no pictures, but could, because there are a crapton of them in Montana, have an odd approach to breeding, laying their eggs in the nests of other birds for them to raise,..sometimes at the expense of their own young because the cowbirds grow faster and are a bit more aggressive. The other birds dont recognize that these are not their young. Crazy. But Catbirds do. And when they discover the parasitic little cowbird babies that launch them out of the nest. Weird, but true.
Sunday, June 12, 2011
Sunday morning mindset
Here's the plan,...
finish my coffee, fluff the clothes in the dryer and go out into the garden.
I thank God, quite literally for the garden. This week I thanked him for the Irises that bloomed in the backyard. I'd planted them in the summer of 2009 and they didnt bloom the following year. I wasnt sure if they were the lovely mauve iris that I got from crazy Debbie, or if they were lavendar ones I got from Jeannette twenty years ago and have moved around every since. They were the mauve, and I thanked him for their lovely color and lemony scent. The round bed is looking exceptional this year. Even with the ugly green truck in the background.'
And the iris are lovely
They have more pink in them than the picture shows,..
There is of course, a story behind these,..isn't there always? They were given to me by an out of control employee who quit the day before I planned to fire her. Which was a good thing I guess. I had only had to fire one other person before and while she definitely had to go, the whole affair made me sick at my stomach for days. It was the same with crazy Debbie,..she was a lawsuit waiting to happen,..wouldn't listen, take instruction,..always imposing her ideas of right and wrong into her work, which doesn't play well in a black and white business. Going through the process of verbal warning, written warning,..was agonizing. She would drunk dial me at home afterward,...repeatedly, until I answered,..then, she wouldn't remember it the next day. I planned to let her go the day I got back from vacation and put it off because there was just so much to do that day. The next morning I came in to find her resignation on my desk. Hysterically, when she left Forsyth months later, I would get requests for letters of recommendation from her,..and for a time she would accidentally e-mail me when she meant to e-mail another Tina, another Tina who she was having issues with. Crazy Debbie,...the iris are beautiful, and what I have learned from them, in the garden, is that no matter how negative a situation may seem something good always comes out of it. Years from now I will probably forget where they came from,the way I have so many other gifts in my garden. They will just be beautiful.
finish my coffee, fluff the clothes in the dryer and go out into the garden.
I thank God, quite literally for the garden. This week I thanked him for the Irises that bloomed in the backyard. I'd planted them in the summer of 2009 and they didnt bloom the following year. I wasnt sure if they were the lovely mauve iris that I got from crazy Debbie, or if they were lavendar ones I got from Jeannette twenty years ago and have moved around every since. They were the mauve, and I thanked him for their lovely color and lemony scent. The round bed is looking exceptional this year. Even with the ugly green truck in the background.'
And the iris are lovely
There is of course, a story behind these,..isn't there always? They were given to me by an out of control employee who quit the day before I planned to fire her. Which was a good thing I guess. I had only had to fire one other person before and while she definitely had to go, the whole affair made me sick at my stomach for days. It was the same with crazy Debbie,..she was a lawsuit waiting to happen,..wouldn't listen, take instruction,..always imposing her ideas of right and wrong into her work, which doesn't play well in a black and white business. Going through the process of verbal warning, written warning,..was agonizing. She would drunk dial me at home afterward,...repeatedly, until I answered,..then, she wouldn't remember it the next day. I planned to let her go the day I got back from vacation and put it off because there was just so much to do that day. The next morning I came in to find her resignation on my desk. Hysterically, when she left Forsyth months later, I would get requests for letters of recommendation from her,..and for a time she would accidentally e-mail me when she meant to e-mail another Tina, another Tina who she was having issues with. Crazy Debbie,...the iris are beautiful, and what I have learned from them, in the garden, is that no matter how negative a situation may seem something good always comes out of it. Years from now I will probably forget where they came from,the way I have so many other gifts in my garden. They will just be beautiful.
The nest
There are two spots in my house that are my favorite and regular perches. The one I sit at now, is the living room desk, laptop view of the back yard. From this window I have a lovely view of the backyard and all it's gifts.
The other spot, where I have my morning coffee, my lunch and where George and I meet at the end of everyday, is the dining room table. There is a large window in the dining room that faces the inner front yard,..the "middle garden".
It is from this vantage that on Monday through Friday, I transition my brain from my personal life to my professional life and begin to plan my day. Sometimes that transition is not so easy, and on this particular morning I had was trying to free my mind of thoughts of David. There had been an argument late the night before, and I had spent hours after trying to sleep and not fret over what was going to become of my youngest son. It was from here that I "discovered" the nest.
I saw the birds darting in and out of the vine covered privacy wall and wondered what they must be eating as this vine does not offer a meal to the birds until the fall.My mind wandered to the idea that they must be eating insects and that would be good. Then I noticed they were coming in with bits of dried grass and leaves. They were building a nest. The irony was not at all lost. They were at the beginning of building their nest, I was at the end of tending to mine,..or at least I wanted to be. David is twenty one years old. By the time Ryan was his age he had been away from home for three years, Sarah was in college at twenty one,..David, was lost in time, unable to get his own life off of the ground and find his way out of the nest. Not that he didn't want to. He has always wanted to, long before he should, but David just couldn't seem to get it together. Living at home and living like he was independent was what was causing all of the problems between us. From the trivial, like his room and the mess he left everywhere else, to his late night coming and going, drinking, driving, underage girlfriends, sleeping all day,..since he was eighteen and felt free of the rules of parenting we fought. At that point he had been working with his dad for the last month, and every morning George struggled to get him up, out of bed and out the door. Their schedule was an hour before mine, so every morning before my alarm would wake me, George's hushed admonitions to David would. Most mornings were tense, and this morning was more so. In the argument the night before an exchange of words David had for the most part told me that if I worried about him and the life he was leading it was my problem. There was a moment in that argument that was the beginning of clarity,..I realized that the bottom line of our current relationship with David was that he just didnt care how his life was affecting us. Days later I would read a quote on facebook that would sum up the direction I needed to go...
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