The nest

There are two spots in my house that are my favorite and regular perches. The one I sit at now, is the living room desk, laptop view of the back yard. From this window I have a lovely view of the backyard and all it's gifts.

The other spot, where I have my morning coffee, my lunch and where George and I meet at the end of everyday, is the dining room table. There is a large window in the dining room that faces the inner front yard,..the "middle garden". 

It is from this vantage that on Monday through Friday, I transition my brain from my personal life to my professional life and begin to plan my day. Sometimes that transition is not so easy, and on this particular morning I had was trying to free my mind of thoughts of David. There had been an argument late the night before, and I had spent hours after trying to sleep and not fret over what was going to become of my youngest son. It was from here that I "discovered" the nest.

I saw the birds darting in and out of the vine covered privacy wall and wondered what they must be eating as this vine does not offer a meal to the birds until the fall.My mind wandered to the idea that they must be eating insects and that would be good. Then I noticed they were coming in with bits of dried grass and leaves. They were building a nest. The irony was not at all lost. They were at the beginning of building their nest, I was at the end of tending to mine,..or at least I wanted to be. David is twenty one years old. By the time Ryan was his age he had been away from home for three years, Sarah was in college at twenty one,..David, was lost in time, unable to get his own life off of the ground and find his way out of the nest. Not that he didn't want to. He has always wanted to, long before he should, but David just couldn't seem to get it together. Living at home and living like he was independent was what was causing all of the problems between us. From the trivial, like his room and the mess he left everywhere else, to his late night coming and going, drinking, driving, underage girlfriends, sleeping all day,..since he was eighteen and felt free of the rules of parenting we fought. At that point he had been working with his dad for the last month, and every morning George struggled to get him up, out of bed and out the door. Their schedule was an hour before mine, so every morning before my alarm would wake me, George's hushed admonitions to David would. Most mornings were tense, and this morning was more so. In the argument the night before an exchange of words David had for the most part told me that if I worried about him and the life he was leading it was my problem. There was a moment in that argument that was the beginning of clarity,..I realized that the bottom line of our current relationship with David was that he just didnt care how his life was affecting us. Days later I would read a quote on facebook that would sum up the direction I needed to go...

"Stop pursuing those who don't see you. Whether friends, family, acquaintances, or romantic interests, if they are not reciprocal of you and your energy, they will only suffocate your purpose and light. Cut ties now and open up room for those who will enhance your journey and be the light that leaves a magnificent illuminated trail!" -- Brandon Moreno

 By the time I read that wonderful quote, David had packed and left. But I'll get to that later. 

Beginning on that morning, and on every morning since, I've watched these two little birds doing their thing.  The little male sits sentry on a shepherds hook and calls out to her as she comes in and out of the vine, 

 He guards the nest while she builds it. From time to time he brings little bits of whatnot to her, when the grackles get too close to the area he goes on the attack,..darting back and forth, landing, chattering, puffing up his feathers. ..Watching them has become one of those things you do when you are thinking of something else,..like David.

This began about a week ago. Watching them three or four times a day,..beating my brain about where I have failed with David,.drifting back into painful history,..struggling to find the right answers for the now. In the middle of that week there was a morning argument with David and his Dad where he made that often made threat,..the I'm leaving threat. Before now, it was one we fought, as he knew we would. No money, no prospects for the future, friends that weren't the best influences,..what would he do, where would he sleep,..what would happen to him,..but we didnt put up the argument this time. He packed a handful of black plastic garbage bags, loaded them in the truck and left. I still dont know how to feel about it,..a part of me is, honestly, relieved. Not listening for the door all night,..not coming home from work and finding him in bed,..not collecting the pop cans, and ash trays and fast food wrappers from the living room has been nice. But, I am still worried,..still afraid for him,..still having the same night mare I have been having about him for years,..seeing him speeding down a late night highway in the neon, screaming as he turns the wheel and tumbles into the darkness.

Pray that they leave you little birds, but when they do, they are healthy and strong, able to fly on their own,..and that your hearts soar, as they do, into the sun.