So,..

There is so much to write about that it's kept me from writing,..
sounds strange, I know,..but I've got a big case of overwhelmed
All of these people bouncing around in my thoughts,..and yes,..I am worried about all of them
in one way or another.
Jill,..such a wonderful young woman,..she will always occupy a special and tender place in my heart.
We worked together for five years,..shared our day in, day out,..everyday,..and all of our secrets
We also shared the loss of another friend, to cancer.
And now, Jill, so young, and finally happy in her life, has cancer.
Words that haven't been  a part of her vocabulary in so long, are everyday words
Stage,..chemo, radiation,..
she will be living in and out of hospital treatment rooms,..surrounded by people dressed in scrubs and well meaning smiles. They will all look at her and think,..she's so young
And she will live with the looks from those who love her,..the fear in their faces, the sadness in their eyes
and she will feel like she is disappointing them by being sick,..by leaving
it's too familiar a scene to me
not because I know how she feels but because I have seen this one too many times
my view of cancer
from the cheap seats
It's easy for me to tell her to think positive
to believe that she's going to get through it,..to fight the good fight,..
all words I've said before
Val had already lost the ability to think positive, and the will to fight
Sandy had the positive attitude, and was battle ready,..and God took her anyway
Charlie was just mad when cancer didn't take her
And Johnny,..Johnny would kick cancer's ass if he just had a fighting chance,..and a lot of money

The others in my brain,..
Ryan and Andrea,..
I have so enjoyed their fire and tenderness over these last five years
But, I always knew that they each brought baggage that was going to be hard to overcome completely.
Andrea was abandoned and rejected by both of her parents over and over,..and left to fly on her own
and while she had her eye in the prize,..when she was in school,..she played her hand well
Until,..it got just a little too comfortable
and frightening
She made a mistake flirting with the edge
and made it again
sabotage
Not that Ryan was perfect,..my Ryan is perfectly imperfect
he parties too much
his need to entertain and be loved by all may have crowded her at times
And now the ground is gone from under them
He jumped from a plane to celebrate his courage and daring,
and his world collapsed a phone call later.
Subconsciously, he knew
and forced the issue
The thing in the back of his mind that had taken him up in the plane to begin with
Because I am older now, and I know that re-definition is possible, and entirely do-able
Because I know that a Love's end only feels like dying
Because I know that what doesn't kill you does make you stronger
I know that he will be okay,
He doesn't know that yet,..but he will
a long, painful time from now,
he will
Andrea,..I hope that your eyes open to the hurt that is within you
and that you find healing
because you really deserve to be loved, and trusted,..and wanted
I hope that for the rest of my days, I have more than your memory,..
because I love you like one of my own.

Mom,
the whole time you are making small talk with me
I hear it in your voice,
you are tired
and weary
and worried
and maybe just a little fearful of where you will find yourself
when cancer takes him
all of these years with half of your heart in it
afraid to hurt and guarded
now, cancer has broken down that wall and you love
him fully
and you are going to lose him
Selfishly, I want to bring you "home"
so I can remind you, everyday,
how loved you are
and how much your love means to me
I will be here,..when cancer ends

So,now, I have written it down,..given words to my worries,..and set them free
not that I will stop worrying,..but
I recognize that it is better for me,..
to hand it off from time to time