Democracy as a soundtrack

As I begin this post I am listening to the live feed from the senate floor on the Debt Ceiling debate. Sen. John McCain and the good Senator from Illinois have just had a lively and fascinating exchange that was both civil and humorous, while being diametrically opposed. ahh,..the way things are supposed to be. Intelligent, respectful, debate. It probably wont happen again. It's enjoyable to listen to though.

I had a really special American Government teacher when I was in high school, he, and our Free Enterprise teacher combined to give me not only an interest in politics, but an understanding of my personal responsibility in the process. My vote counts. Mr. Miller, and Mr. Boles,..I have never forgotten that. I educate myself (harder to do now than it was in the 70's) and I exercise my constitutional right and responsibility to vote. I have also tried to instill that thinking into my children. I took them out of school to hear Bill Clinton speak in Billings, we've had years of conversations and debates around the kitchen table about the responsibility of political awareness and participation. The oldest gets it,..the other two dont have the time or the interest.

It's too bad,..these are fascinating, and oftentimes depressing times in politics. There are very few places to get an completely unvarnished education on the issues. Factcheck.org,  is one, but there aren't a lot. What this means is actually getting the facts, and only the facts, with which to form your political opinions is tough. It's human nature to gravitate toward one media outlet or another that has your personal interests outwardly at hand. But, even the websites that lean in my direction,..lean too far on the left, and too often, the truth. Reason minded people want the facts, and only the facts, given to them by people who dont have a dog in the fight. If you are being responsible about your vote, the way that I was taught to be,..it's next to impossible to get a clear and honest view of the issues. I often wonder what channel Mr. Miller watches on TV now, Fox or MSNBC. I heard him lecture on politics, during the Watergate scandal, for over a year, and I never heard him identify himself with one political party or another. He was a good teacher.

The vote has been taken,..50-49, but not by the majority, so it doesnt pass. Another speedbump and we are heading into the great unknown. There are hints in the news that the GOP is working around the Democratic party directly with the president,..that, if true, will be noted in the next election. Everyone is mad. People are already losing money in the market, seniors are worried their SS checks wont be in the mail on Tuesday, and all of our elected officials seem to be running around, spouting talking points, and getting no where. A very learned voter I know said today he wont be voting for any incumbents,.. (Tea Party thinking?,,ARGH!)....


I will try and post back when this is said, and done, or not done,...

Confunction

So Saturday, this is the way this usually goes. 

I wake up, drag myself down the hall and into the kitchen for coffee. If George is home, he is usually up before me and having his first cup. We have conversation over my first cup and his second (usually his last). We talk. 

About us, about the kids, about our jobs, about what's on the news, we talk. Still, after, (gotta stop and do the math...) twenty six years, we talk. Because, after all this time,..we still like each other.

Plans are made for the day, we get on track or off track, but in general we spend the day together, doing a lot, or doing nothing. 

But, that is not typical of a Saturday. Most Saturdays he's either out of town working, or here working and occasionally, like on this Saturday, he has some place else he has to be. Today, it's a Union Meeting in Billings.

So while he is doing his secret handshake, hand signals and arguing, I am going to have a normal Saturday.

Which is fighting what I call the slog.

(stop to look up the online definition  : to plod (one's way) perseveringly especially against difficulty ...hmmm)

The "slog", to me, anyway, is the "I want to get stuff done and just cant seem to" thing.

There are a ton of reasons (slash excuses) for this,..distraction is one. I get up from my coffee to check my e-mail and the next thing you know I am listening to music and watching nail tutorials on youtube. It used to be tv that distracted me and I used to be able to get around that by getting right up from my coffee and on to what needed to be done, but the other reason (slash excuse) I cant seem to get much done is my body. My damn, bloated, tired and broken old body. Until this summer, it was my achy back. I'd go out into the garden and one of two things would happen,..I'd work until it hurt and give up,..or I would continue long after it started to hurt and then I would walk like a cripple for days after. Now, it's not just my back,..it's more the constant state of "tired" that keeps me from getting stuff done. I'll get up to do the dishes and after five minutes of unloading the dishwasher and stacking the dishes to rinse, I have to sit down. It's not catching my breath exactly,..it's that my arms start to feel like they weigh a hundred pounds each and my legs seem to buckle under,..well, the rest of what I weigh, really weigh. 

So now,  I work in spurts. Do a little, sit a little,..try not to get distracted, slog through a few things,..sit awhile longer.

I HATE THIS!!!!

It pisses me off

Honestly, if it was just the housework,..I'd give in and say screw it, but I WANT to get out into the garden. I want to feel the sun,..smell the flowers, listen to the birds, feel the dirt on my hands,...make things pretty. 

I spent ten minutes in one of the back beds cutting the daisies where they were crushing the speedwell. The plan was to knock out the Iris stalks too,..bending,..stooping,..pain,..almost immediately exhausted. 

So I came back in and now I am hanging my head in my blog and feeling like a failure at doing the thing I love more than anything.

**( Pause for what might be a mistake )**

HAH!

Ouch,..

So frustration got the better of me and I stopped writing,..went out into that damn bed and cut the rest of the iris stalks,..looks better, but dammit my back is just burning like hell now!

It's going to be one of those days that I push it until I cant walk,..I can see it coming.

At least I'm going to like myself on Sunday.

So,..

There is so much to write about that it's kept me from writing,..
sounds strange, I know,..but I've got a big case of overwhelmed
All of these people bouncing around in my thoughts,..and yes,..I am worried about all of them
in one way or another.
Jill,..such a wonderful young woman,..she will always occupy a special and tender place in my heart.
We worked together for five years,..shared our day in, day out,..everyday,..and all of our secrets
We also shared the loss of another friend, to cancer.
And now, Jill, so young, and finally happy in her life, has cancer.
Words that haven't been  a part of her vocabulary in so long, are everyday words
Stage,..chemo, radiation,..
she will be living in and out of hospital treatment rooms,..surrounded by people dressed in scrubs and well meaning smiles. They will all look at her and think,..she's so young
And she will live with the looks from those who love her,..the fear in their faces, the sadness in their eyes
and she will feel like she is disappointing them by being sick,..by leaving
it's too familiar a scene to me
not because I know how she feels but because I have seen this one too many times
my view of cancer
from the cheap seats
It's easy for me to tell her to think positive
to believe that she's going to get through it,..to fight the good fight,..
all words I've said before
Val had already lost the ability to think positive, and the will to fight
Sandy had the positive attitude, and was battle ready,..and God took her anyway
Charlie was just mad when cancer didn't take her
And Johnny,..Johnny would kick cancer's ass if he just had a fighting chance,..and a lot of money

The others in my brain,..
Ryan and Andrea,..
I have so enjoyed their fire and tenderness over these last five years
But, I always knew that they each brought baggage that was going to be hard to overcome completely.
Andrea was abandoned and rejected by both of her parents over and over,..and left to fly on her own
and while she had her eye in the prize,..when she was in school,..she played her hand well
Until,..it got just a little too comfortable
and frightening
She made a mistake flirting with the edge
and made it again
sabotage
Not that Ryan was perfect,..my Ryan is perfectly imperfect
he parties too much
his need to entertain and be loved by all may have crowded her at times
And now the ground is gone from under them
He jumped from a plane to celebrate his courage and daring,
and his world collapsed a phone call later.
Subconsciously, he knew
and forced the issue
The thing in the back of his mind that had taken him up in the plane to begin with
Because I am older now, and I know that re-definition is possible, and entirely do-able
Because I know that a Love's end only feels like dying
Because I know that what doesn't kill you does make you stronger
I know that he will be okay,
He doesn't know that yet,..but he will
a long, painful time from now,
he will
Andrea,..I hope that your eyes open to the hurt that is within you
and that you find healing
because you really deserve to be loved, and trusted,..and wanted
I hope that for the rest of my days, I have more than your memory,..
because I love you like one of my own.

Mom,
the whole time you are making small talk with me
I hear it in your voice,
you are tired
and weary
and worried
and maybe just a little fearful of where you will find yourself
when cancer takes him
all of these years with half of your heart in it
afraid to hurt and guarded
now, cancer has broken down that wall and you love
him fully
and you are going to lose him
Selfishly, I want to bring you "home"
so I can remind you, everyday,
how loved you are
and how much your love means to me
I will be here,..when cancer ends

So,now, I have written it down,..given words to my worries,..and set them free
not that I will stop worrying,..but
I recognize that it is better for me,..
to hand it off from time to time

The Greatest Gift I have ever given to myself

The greatest gift I have ever given myself

is the ability to embrace 

aloness

Although I like the term "By Myself" better

By myself, is like saying "with me"

Me, with me

Too many people surrender to the notion that happiness

is only found in the company of others

And while I love nothing more than to be surrounded by 

interesting and smart people

and the people that I love

I enjoy time with myself

Listening to music, or reading

sitting beside a flower bed pulling weeds,

standing in the backyard on a wintery night 

"feeling the cold"

Lying beneath the covers in the dark

and listening to my own thoughts

It took me awhile to figure this out

To appreciate who I am enough to just enjoy my own company

"Being" more than a reflection of what someone else

sees in me

The "real" me

It's certainly not an all the time thing

I could never be without people

but some of the best times I've ever had

have been when I was by myself