Weathering the storm. Again. Too often this life feels like that's all that I do. Weather storms. Head down,..keep going. The latest storm was like one of those summer reports from accuweather,..unstable air,..rising pressure, dark clouds that hover, pour and then blow away only to be followed by more dark clouds that hover, pour and then blow away.
The pain had been coming and going for weeks. Grudgingly he would take some advil and complain, but it got to a point that he decided to go to a dentist. Went to the dentist. The dentist gave him nothing but a laundry list of procedures on eight teeth that totaled 14K. No antibiotics, no pain medication. Just a diagnosis. He came home to consider options, financial and otherwise. With another appointment scheduled for later the next month. And then the storm blew up. The pain grew severe, fever, swelling and then a trip to another dentist that turned into a referral to an oral surgeon that turned into emergency surgery. Two days in ICU and another day and a half in the hospital. Every moment stressful and exhausting.
I brought him home, went for his prescriptions and shopping for food he could eat. He lumbered around the kitchen,..bitching about the shit hole it was,........but finally he took his pain medication and there was a couple of hours of close to normal with him in the bedroom, I thought, sleeping. I went in to check on him and he was in the pain position again. I asked if he wanted some medication, he said he "couldnt take it until tomorrow" (antibiotic, not pain medication) and then told me his stomach was rumbling and he couldnt take anything because of it. I asked if he wanted me to make him something to eat and he said "no you wont".
"No, you wont",....................WTF did that mean? I walked away.
This isnt the first time in this storm that I offered to help him and he rejected it. Other times he asked for something and then criticized or complained about how I had done it. Those times I walked away too. I know he's in pain, I've tried to be patient and understanding. I've bit my tongue over dozens of hateful comments and complaints,..walked away.
Head down,...keep going. Auto response.
Friday, September 20, 2013
Saturday, September 7, 2013
Roads
So,...........I had a moment yesterday, driving on a dusty prairie road, that I thought
"How did I get here"
Not how, as in the place, although the choice of roads we took that day had some factor in my thinking. Hubs had decided to take the back way from one town to the next to kill some time and it became one of those are we ever going to get there trips. A nearly two hundred mile round trip to spend ten minutes at a Wendy's drive through and another twenty in a park.
Why?
Essentially, we were hiding our grandson from his mother.
Seeing that in black and white brings a wave of not just "how did I get here?" but "What in the hell are you thinking?" It makes me feel, well, all kinds of not good things.
Among the handful of other things happening in 2013 and rattled and confounded my brain was the effect that the absence of my grandson's mother was having on his tiny little heart. A month before his first birthday she decided to move to the next city, with her parents support and blessing. The other Grandma and my son worked out a schedule where grandson was in our home while she was working, and theirs when she wasn't. Mom was supposed to come back on weekends, which never really happened. She worked weekends,..she didn't have money for gas,..The other Grandma took the baby to the next city from time to time to see his mother, but not often enough. Mom would go for five or six weeks at a time not seeing her baby. There were times I would watch him toddling between the dining room window and the ones next to the front door. I wondered if he was looking for his mother, or his other grandmother,..he was always happy to see his other grandmother. Never cried when she came to take him,..but sometimes when she dropped him off. Her schedule as a nurse had him coming and going at all hours. Different homes, different places to sleep,..different foods to eat, different "wubbies",..toys, types of bottles, brands of diapers. There was absolutely nothing consistent in his life and it showed.
Just after Christmas my son started to develop an attitude about all of this. He and I had endless debates about why we should give her a chance,..why he wasn't prepared to be a full time single dad. I would sometimes take it personally when he would say that my grandsons grandparents should not be raising him. These were my little guilt things. Remembering that I had left my oldest son with my mother for a time while trying to find myself was why I stuck up for my grandson's mother. When things came to a point where Grandson's dad was unwilling to return him to the other Grandmother. Baby started to live with us full time. I have memory cards filled with the joy that his being here has brought to our lives. Seeing my son with his son and the bond that they have developed gives me hope for this situation.
Watching my grandson struggle to deal with all of it was like going back in time to see things through my oldest sons eyes, but I will tackle that in another post
"How did I get here"
Not how, as in the place, although the choice of roads we took that day had some factor in my thinking. Hubs had decided to take the back way from one town to the next to kill some time and it became one of those are we ever going to get there trips. A nearly two hundred mile round trip to spend ten minutes at a Wendy's drive through and another twenty in a park.
Why?
Essentially, we were hiding our grandson from his mother.
Seeing that in black and white brings a wave of not just "how did I get here?" but "What in the hell are you thinking?" It makes me feel, well, all kinds of not good things.
Among the handful of other things happening in 2013 and rattled and confounded my brain was the effect that the absence of my grandson's mother was having on his tiny little heart. A month before his first birthday she decided to move to the next city, with her parents support and blessing. The other Grandma and my son worked out a schedule where grandson was in our home while she was working, and theirs when she wasn't. Mom was supposed to come back on weekends, which never really happened. She worked weekends,..she didn't have money for gas,..The other Grandma took the baby to the next city from time to time to see his mother, but not often enough. Mom would go for five or six weeks at a time not seeing her baby. There were times I would watch him toddling between the dining room window and the ones next to the front door. I wondered if he was looking for his mother, or his other grandmother,..he was always happy to see his other grandmother. Never cried when she came to take him,..but sometimes when she dropped him off. Her schedule as a nurse had him coming and going at all hours. Different homes, different places to sleep,..different foods to eat, different "wubbies",..toys, types of bottles, brands of diapers. There was absolutely nothing consistent in his life and it showed.
Just after Christmas my son started to develop an attitude about all of this. He and I had endless debates about why we should give her a chance,..why he wasn't prepared to be a full time single dad. I would sometimes take it personally when he would say that my grandsons grandparents should not be raising him. These were my little guilt things. Remembering that I had left my oldest son with my mother for a time while trying to find myself was why I stuck up for my grandson's mother. When things came to a point where Grandson's dad was unwilling to return him to the other Grandmother. Baby started to live with us full time. I have memory cards filled with the joy that his being here has brought to our lives. Seeing my son with his son and the bond that they have developed gives me hope for this situation.
Watching my grandson struggle to deal with all of it was like going back in time to see things through my oldest sons eyes, but I will tackle that in another post
Numbers
I don't post as often as I thought I would. As much as I loved to write when I was young, it's kind of hard for me now,..anyway, when I feel the urge and come to blog I'm always amazed by how many page views I have as I have never told anyone that I have this blog. Who is reading what I write? In Alaska no less,..ah, the mystery.
It's not hot tonight, thank goodness. I've had enough of the heat. I'm ready for the cool crisp fall nights,..but tonight is nearly as lovely. No air conditioner,..no whir of fans all over the house. Just the crickets,..George asleep in his chair, ESPN still on the TV. I love nights like this. There is a thunderstorm moving into the area, probably not close enough to give us another good drink,.but I think close enough to see the lightening flash. Maybe I will watch it from the screen porch,..something else I do less now.
Thunder rumbles in the distance,..
My mind has felt heavy lately,..no play on words intended, but it's actually weight, that is preying on my mind. The birthday number has never left my thoughts. 261. The fact that I was shocked should be a little shocking. Have I been the queen of denial or what? I live in this body for crying out loud,..or living despite it anyway. I've avoided all but the makeup mirror. Painting my face and my nails and my toe nails trying to feel better about a deteriorating situation. Then came the required physical, on my birthday. Lets feel old, and fatter and unhealthy all in the same day. Good thing I had to work,..I would have been lost in depression.
First there was the number seen on a screen when I was avoiding the scale with my eyes. Today came the report in the mail. More numbers. RED numbers. Red numbers aren't good. Cholesterol, blood sugar, iron levels,...numbers.
I'm a little scared. I probably should be. For some reason I have always thought that I would eventually get my shit together and get control of my weight. Walk I thought,..eat healthy I'd think. Now, at 53 I'm looking at the big "what if I don't". What if I cant? How hard have I really tried. Here and there,..a little oatmeal, yogurt,.pushing a shopping cart around walmart. Not much really. And here I am. Is George going to spend his retirement with just a memory of me?
It's not hot tonight, thank goodness. I've had enough of the heat. I'm ready for the cool crisp fall nights,..but tonight is nearly as lovely. No air conditioner,..no whir of fans all over the house. Just the crickets,..George asleep in his chair, ESPN still on the TV. I love nights like this. There is a thunderstorm moving into the area, probably not close enough to give us another good drink,.but I think close enough to see the lightening flash. Maybe I will watch it from the screen porch,..something else I do less now.
Thunder rumbles in the distance,..
My mind has felt heavy lately,..no play on words intended, but it's actually weight, that is preying on my mind. The birthday number has never left my thoughts. 261. The fact that I was shocked should be a little shocking. Have I been the queen of denial or what? I live in this body for crying out loud,..or living despite it anyway. I've avoided all but the makeup mirror. Painting my face and my nails and my toe nails trying to feel better about a deteriorating situation. Then came the required physical, on my birthday. Lets feel old, and fatter and unhealthy all in the same day. Good thing I had to work,..I would have been lost in depression.
First there was the number seen on a screen when I was avoiding the scale with my eyes. Today came the report in the mail. More numbers. RED numbers. Red numbers aren't good. Cholesterol, blood sugar, iron levels,...numbers.
I'm a little scared. I probably should be. For some reason I have always thought that I would eventually get my shit together and get control of my weight. Walk I thought,..eat healthy I'd think. Now, at 53 I'm looking at the big "what if I don't". What if I cant? How hard have I really tried. Here and there,..a little oatmeal, yogurt,.pushing a shopping cart around walmart. Not much really. And here I am. Is George going to spend his retirement with just a memory of me?
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