Harmonic convergence, or perfect storm?
Many things are coming together, these days are rife with my internal uncertainty. We're having a financial come apart,..potential government regulation could change the nature of my business and our bottom line,..and the election is a neck and neck horse race that has me checking blogs and websites every night until I find one whose polls give me hope for the future.All attempts at dealing with the stress have actually stressed me out more.
ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Friday, October 26, 2012
Friday, August 31, 2012
Please, please find your feet
stand
dont back down
dont settle
for this
anymore
He's not the person you love
anymore
He's not
He's shown you over and over
and it's time you
stopped listening to your heart
and believed your eyes
this time was a slap in the face
a dare
mocking everything you said and everything you felt
you will never be as important to him as
drinking and gambling
never
You said the words
now mean them
stand up to them
because they are the truth you need
the truth that is
you cant take this anymore without losing
who you are
you feel so lost already
and as long as you hold onto loving someone
who loves his needs more than you
you will never be whole again
you deserve to live without the constant worry
and stress
and heartache
just let him go and be done with it.
Look at this day
honestly
see it for what it is
this was intentional
not even 24 hours after spilling your guts about what the gambling was
doing to you and his promises to stop
he's sitting in front of a machine and drunk
he wants you to do this
he wants you to push him away
why punish yourself anymore holding on to something
that isnt anymore
he wants what he has at this very moment
everything he does takes him there
everything
it's done
be done
stand
dont back down
dont settle
for this
anymore
He's not the person you love
anymore
He's not
He's shown you over and over
and it's time you
stopped listening to your heart
and believed your eyes
this time was a slap in the face
a dare
mocking everything you said and everything you felt
you will never be as important to him as
drinking and gambling
never
You said the words
now mean them
stand up to them
because they are the truth you need
the truth that is
you cant take this anymore without losing
who you are
you feel so lost already
and as long as you hold onto loving someone
who loves his needs more than you
you will never be whole again
you deserve to live without the constant worry
and stress
and heartache
just let him go and be done with it.
Look at this day
honestly
see it for what it is
this was intentional
not even 24 hours after spilling your guts about what the gambling was
doing to you and his promises to stop
he's sitting in front of a machine and drunk
he wants you to do this
he wants you to push him away
why punish yourself anymore holding on to something
that isnt anymore
he wants what he has at this very moment
everything he does takes him there
everything
it's done
be done
Sunday, August 19, 2012
Keep going
The summer is, thankfully, almost over. But not without it's casualties. Half into August and the yard and it's gardens are burnt and brown. Hiding between the weeds and the wild grass are the beautiful plants I've loving collected and sowed over the years,..stressed and withering.
But, under it all, they are still alive.
And I know how they feel.
In so many ways this summer has been a struggle. My personal and professional life, my health. All of it, at one time and then another have felt so overwhelming. Yet, through each day I've heard that faint voice in the back of my brain saying "keep going". That voice has gotten me through all of my life.
When I was a young child, everywhere I went, I ran. And not, like Forrest Gump, because I was particularly fast or good at it. I think I ran because, I think, it made me look and feel as though I had some place "real" to go. And my presence in anyone's eyes, was fleeting,..a flash that came and went. I ran home from school each day, hurdling over the low garden walls between yards along the street on my way. On vacations in Mexico I would climb the hill behind the cabin we rented just so that I could run down it. Forced to keep up with the forward motion of my body and feeling slightly on the edge of falling gave me kind of a rush. Because I would do this over and over, I'm sure it left my parents shaking their heads, as I was always the child averting attention rather than trying to attract it. But through it all, that small and faint voice in my head whispered "keep going". Later, when I was in high school and had stopped running everywhere, and had gained a bit of weight over the summer, I had to run around the track to pass a required physical education course. It was a humiliating experience. While not the last of the class, but close enough to be grouped with the pathetically out of shape, I struggled to get to that finish line. All the while, head down and panting "keep going, keep going". I wish I could say that it was a motivating moment,..one that made me work to get my physical shit in order, it wasn't. But what it did do, was cement the "keep going" mantra in my life.
No matter how hard or how impossible the course in front of me seemed, I kept going. When I left my first husband and was totally clueless about living my life, I kept going. When I was pregnant with Ryan and everyone was telling me the right thing to do was give him up, I kept going. Even when depression had a firm grasp on my life, I kept going. Despite that handful of times when I teetered on the edge of giving up, I still kept going.
At the end of this month I will be 52 years old. The age my grandmother on the first birthday I remember she had. 52 years. 52 years of "keep going". Some days when life just seems to be bent on breaking my resolve, I still keep going. All these years with a loving but alcoholic husband,..keep going. Parenting three kids who struggled with depression and ADD, and learning disorders,..keep going. At work, which has been the greatest challenge of all of my life, it's ever in the back of my mind. Orders left after Friday,..keep going,.. closings popping, seemingly impossible standards,..production questions from upper management,..keep going,..keep going, keep going, keep trying,..never give up, never give up.
It all sounds very good, doesn't it?..but the truth of the matter is that there are probably times when I should have cut my losses and given up on certain things. Not that I would change any of the majors in my life, but there definitely have been times when I haven't exactly helped myself by beating my head up against a wall trying to make something work that was never going to work. And too, there is this thought of what that eventual finish line is go look like. Are there times when I am pushing myself toward nothing at all? What I mean is, what is the reward at the end of some of these struggles? And then there is the flip side of that coin. The things that I should be pushing myself to keep going in that I dont. Like my health, and my house.It is not a perfect, or even attractive picture, I guess. I have been rather selective when it has come to being determined. Still, I have no real regrets.
All in all, the effort to keep going this summer has left me exhausted and in some respects, broken. Mostly, at work. I have never in my life questioned my mental wherewithal. Never. But over, and over, I have found myself struggling to focus, questioning my judgment, my memory, my abilities. I tell myself that it is mostly all of the change. Change to right, to be sure. I was blissfully ignorant of my mistakes for years, but now as I chew on these new procedures, and their correctness, my professional insecurity is growing. Head down, keep going, isnt always working for me. And there have been a few occasions it has most certainly worked against me.
I look at the garden, and I know how it feels,..withered and spent,..but still there. Still going, and I hope, still growing.
But, under it all, they are still alive.
And I know how they feel.
In so many ways this summer has been a struggle. My personal and professional life, my health. All of it, at one time and then another have felt so overwhelming. Yet, through each day I've heard that faint voice in the back of my brain saying "keep going". That voice has gotten me through all of my life.
When I was a young child, everywhere I went, I ran. And not, like Forrest Gump, because I was particularly fast or good at it. I think I ran because, I think, it made me look and feel as though I had some place "real" to go. And my presence in anyone's eyes, was fleeting,..a flash that came and went. I ran home from school each day, hurdling over the low garden walls between yards along the street on my way. On vacations in Mexico I would climb the hill behind the cabin we rented just so that I could run down it. Forced to keep up with the forward motion of my body and feeling slightly on the edge of falling gave me kind of a rush. Because I would do this over and over, I'm sure it left my parents shaking their heads, as I was always the child averting attention rather than trying to attract it. But through it all, that small and faint voice in my head whispered "keep going". Later, when I was in high school and had stopped running everywhere, and had gained a bit of weight over the summer, I had to run around the track to pass a required physical education course. It was a humiliating experience. While not the last of the class, but close enough to be grouped with the pathetically out of shape, I struggled to get to that finish line. All the while, head down and panting "keep going, keep going". I wish I could say that it was a motivating moment,..one that made me work to get my physical shit in order, it wasn't. But what it did do, was cement the "keep going" mantra in my life.
No matter how hard or how impossible the course in front of me seemed, I kept going. When I left my first husband and was totally clueless about living my life, I kept going. When I was pregnant with Ryan and everyone was telling me the right thing to do was give him up, I kept going. Even when depression had a firm grasp on my life, I kept going. Despite that handful of times when I teetered on the edge of giving up, I still kept going.
At the end of this month I will be 52 years old. The age my grandmother on the first birthday I remember she had. 52 years. 52 years of "keep going". Some days when life just seems to be bent on breaking my resolve, I still keep going. All these years with a loving but alcoholic husband,..keep going. Parenting three kids who struggled with depression and ADD, and learning disorders,..keep going. At work, which has been the greatest challenge of all of my life, it's ever in the back of my mind. Orders left after Friday,..keep going,.. closings popping, seemingly impossible standards,..production questions from upper management,..keep going,..keep going, keep going, keep trying,..never give up, never give up.
It all sounds very good, doesn't it?..but the truth of the matter is that there are probably times when I should have cut my losses and given up on certain things. Not that I would change any of the majors in my life, but there definitely have been times when I haven't exactly helped myself by beating my head up against a wall trying to make something work that was never going to work. And too, there is this thought of what that eventual finish line is go look like. Are there times when I am pushing myself toward nothing at all? What I mean is, what is the reward at the end of some of these struggles? And then there is the flip side of that coin. The things that I should be pushing myself to keep going in that I dont. Like my health, and my house.It is not a perfect, or even attractive picture, I guess. I have been rather selective when it has come to being determined. Still, I have no real regrets.
All in all, the effort to keep going this summer has left me exhausted and in some respects, broken. Mostly, at work. I have never in my life questioned my mental wherewithal. Never. But over, and over, I have found myself struggling to focus, questioning my judgment, my memory, my abilities. I tell myself that it is mostly all of the change. Change to right, to be sure. I was blissfully ignorant of my mistakes for years, but now as I chew on these new procedures, and their correctness, my professional insecurity is growing. Head down, keep going, isnt always working for me. And there have been a few occasions it has most certainly worked against me.
I look at the garden, and I know how it feels,..withered and spent,..but still there. Still going, and I hope, still growing.
Saturday, August 4, 2012
Empty the brain
Empty the brain
Empty the brain
Things have been just a little stressful lately. Just a little.
Being the only one in the office for nine days.
Daughter, her husband and child visiting
Oldest son, visiting during the same time
Youngest Son's Baby Mama created a heart tugging drama
Hubby drank too much, gambled and created a drama
I should also mention that it's been hotter than hell,..
Yeah,..I'm going to die young.
No joke, I think about that alot. All this stress, being fat, having health issues, it's going to take me and after the last few weeks, I think I might be relieved to go.
Empty the brain
Empty the brain
Things have been just a little stressful lately. Just a little.
Being the only one in the office for nine days.
Daughter, her husband and child visiting
Oldest son, visiting during the same time
Youngest Son's Baby Mama created a heart tugging drama
Hubby drank too much, gambled and created a drama
I should also mention that it's been hotter than hell,..
Yeah,..I'm going to die young.
No joke, I think about that alot. All this stress, being fat, having health issues, it's going to take me and after the last few weeks, I think I might be relieved to go.
Sunday, July 8, 2012
Sunday, July 8, 2012
Well, by yesterday's standards, last night was also a fail. Night number two with the cpap.
However, this time, when I woke up and realized I had ripped the thing off of my head I put it back on and kept it on until I woke up.
So, aside from the fact that I dont know when I took it off or how long it was off, it wasn't a complete failure. I went in to the night better. I managed to escape the thoughts of pacing my breathing with the damn thing long enough to actually fall asleep within a reasonable amount of time. And I am hoping that ripping it off will stop at some point.
By everything that I've read, if I am consistent about using the cpap, I should start feeling less tired around my birthday, August 28th. We'll see.
Well, by yesterday's standards, last night was also a fail. Night number two with the cpap.
However, this time, when I woke up and realized I had ripped the thing off of my head I put it back on and kept it on until I woke up.
So, aside from the fact that I dont know when I took it off or how long it was off, it wasn't a complete failure. I went in to the night better. I managed to escape the thoughts of pacing my breathing with the damn thing long enough to actually fall asleep within a reasonable amount of time. And I am hoping that ripping it off will stop at some point.
By everything that I've read, if I am consistent about using the cpap, I should start feeling less tired around my birthday, August 28th. We'll see.
Saturday, July 7, 2012
Saturday, July 7, 2012
I finally took some time off, though I did cheat the second day and put a few hours in from home.
Still, I feel a bit rested today. More than usual anyway.
I failed my first night with the cpap,..ripped it off sometime during the night. I'm not sure what it is, but I cant find the right pace with my breathing and it takes me forever to fall asleep, and then after I do I bail on the damn thing. It's going to take a lot of will power to get into this. I have all the right motivation, but I think during the night I'm feeling the same thing I sometimes feel when I'm still awake and it's on,..like I'm drowning. Gotta do this. GOT to do this!
I finally took some time off, though I did cheat the second day and put a few hours in from home.
Still, I feel a bit rested today. More than usual anyway.
I failed my first night with the cpap,..ripped it off sometime during the night. I'm not sure what it is, but I cant find the right pace with my breathing and it takes me forever to fall asleep, and then after I do I bail on the damn thing. It's going to take a lot of will power to get into this. I have all the right motivation, but I think during the night I'm feeling the same thing I sometimes feel when I'm still awake and it's on,..like I'm drowning. Gotta do this. GOT to do this!
Sunday, June 17, 2012
June 17, 2012
I am trying to get here more, I think it will help me relieve some of the pressure threatening to make my head explode. Sometimes, it's a door I just cant open.
Sleep study is done and I "qualified", to use their term. At this point I'm kind of lost in the process, not clear on whether the home health care company will contact me or if they are waiting for me to call them. I have some mixed feelings about the whole thing. I am hopeful that the machine will help take me to a more rested place, but a little afraid I wont be able to take that drowning feeling I experienced using it at the sleep center. Self discipline,..yeah, I've found that whole notion to be a bit challenging,. always. We will see. I have a bit of motivation. A local woman I knew through the office suddenly died of a heart attack at the age of 57. It's shook me up. I dont want to be that person someone finds dead in a heap on the floor. What a haunting image. The thought of that happening to someone in my family just kills me. You would think that would make me put this cigarette out, or stop drinking the raspberry tea, see previous self discipline comment.
Today I'm doing what I have done most weekends over the last month,..dreading having to work and putting it off. I promised on Thursday that I would do some research for an attorney who called and report back on Monday morning my findings. If I could find the file it would be easy,..but I cant. It's with a chunk of files that I have no idea where to find. Once again, over promising and under performing. That's me.
I am trying to get here more, I think it will help me relieve some of the pressure threatening to make my head explode. Sometimes, it's a door I just cant open.
Sleep study is done and I "qualified", to use their term. At this point I'm kind of lost in the process, not clear on whether the home health care company will contact me or if they are waiting for me to call them. I have some mixed feelings about the whole thing. I am hopeful that the machine will help take me to a more rested place, but a little afraid I wont be able to take that drowning feeling I experienced using it at the sleep center. Self discipline,..yeah, I've found that whole notion to be a bit challenging,. always. We will see. I have a bit of motivation. A local woman I knew through the office suddenly died of a heart attack at the age of 57. It's shook me up. I dont want to be that person someone finds dead in a heap on the floor. What a haunting image. The thought of that happening to someone in my family just kills me. You would think that would make me put this cigarette out, or stop drinking the raspberry tea, see previous self discipline comment.
Today I'm doing what I have done most weekends over the last month,..dreading having to work and putting it off. I promised on Thursday that I would do some research for an attorney who called and report back on Monday morning my findings. If I could find the file it would be easy,..but I cant. It's with a chunk of files that I have no idea where to find. Once again, over promising and under performing. That's me.
Saturday, June 2, 2012
I wish that it had
at least
rained
It's been so long since I've felt the energy of a good thunder booming lightening show and I've missed it so.
I need it. I've been going to the river at lunch,..and it's helping me to find the center in each day. But I could really use the large assaulting energy of a thunderstorm. At any rate, rain would have been nice. It's an easy going energy and it would have been soothing after a day of gardening in the sultry heat.
We were productive today. The pots are all done. At least all of the pots I should do anyway. It felt so good and I had such an awesome time playing with the colors,..although aside from the Sun Coleus, I pretty much stuck to my purple themed creations.
It was a good day.
at least
rained
It's been so long since I've felt the energy of a good thunder booming lightening show and I've missed it so.
I need it. I've been going to the river at lunch,..and it's helping me to find the center in each day. But I could really use the large assaulting energy of a thunderstorm. At any rate, rain would have been nice. It's an easy going energy and it would have been soothing after a day of gardening in the sultry heat.
We were productive today. The pots are all done. At least all of the pots I should do anyway. It felt so good and I had such an awesome time playing with the colors,..although aside from the Sun Coleus, I pretty much stuck to my purple themed creations.
It was a good day.
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
May 2012
It's been a while
A long while,..months and months
I could have and should have come here a million times because
I've been struggling
In so many ways
So, so many ways
There have been good things
Easton arrived in November,
Mason was born on our anniversary on December 30th and I was blessed to be there
Both of those baby boys have added a layer to my life I didn't know was possible
Easton I worry about, his mom is so young and stubborn and he isnt always her number one priority. My son, his father tries, but he's not as focused on being a Dad as I'd like him to be
I've addressed my health,..finally
and for the first time I'm beginning to understand why I'm exhausted so much, and forgetting so much
I have type 2 diabetes and apnea,..both worked together to kick my ass over the last couple of years but I'm taking medication and I have a sleep study coming that will hopefully offer me some relief. Being tired I can fight through,..the memory stuff is really frustrating and pissing me off
I think I'm a little depressed too,..but that, I haven't, and probably wont address outside of my own head
These things are affecting me at work, although I'm not sure that they are the only reason that things are so ridiculously hard. I have to come to feel like the company fuck up,..my frustration is leaking onto my co-worker and isnt exactly motivating leadership. It's a situation I feel like I'm losing my battle with. But, I have few choices. If I leave and look for other work I will destroy us financially. Not that I want to leave. I want to do better,..well, please them, be what they want me to be, I'm just struggling to see the possibility in it.
That said, I'm going to bed.
A long while,..months and months
I could have and should have come here a million times because
I've been struggling
In so many ways
So, so many ways
There have been good things
Easton arrived in November,
Mason was born on our anniversary on December 30th and I was blessed to be there
Both of those baby boys have added a layer to my life I didn't know was possible
Easton I worry about, his mom is so young and stubborn and he isnt always her number one priority. My son, his father tries, but he's not as focused on being a Dad as I'd like him to be
I've addressed my health,..finally
and for the first time I'm beginning to understand why I'm exhausted so much, and forgetting so much
I have type 2 diabetes and apnea,..both worked together to kick my ass over the last couple of years but I'm taking medication and I have a sleep study coming that will hopefully offer me some relief. Being tired I can fight through,..the memory stuff is really frustrating and pissing me off
I think I'm a little depressed too,..but that, I haven't, and probably wont address outside of my own head
These things are affecting me at work, although I'm not sure that they are the only reason that things are so ridiculously hard. I have to come to feel like the company fuck up,..my frustration is leaking onto my co-worker and isnt exactly motivating leadership. It's a situation I feel like I'm losing my battle with. But, I have few choices. If I leave and look for other work I will destroy us financially. Not that I want to leave. I want to do better,..well, please them, be what they want me to be, I'm just struggling to see the possibility in it.
That said, I'm going to bed.
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