Blue

At times
he walks as if in a daze
floating through each day
barely lifting his feet from the floor
His eyes, bare the blackness he is feeling
Other times,
he paces, up and down,
shoes tromping on the floor throughout the night

Going, going, going
Going nowhere, Going nowhere, is the sound that they make
And sometimes
He rages,..
imagined, perceived, slights
angry words spit into the air,..
endless diatribes,
it's useless to talk to him
he doesnt hear anything but the sound of his own thoughts
until he talks himself quiet
"You have no idea",..he says,

Well, I have some idea, because I live with you
I live with mental illness
untreated,..un-acknowledged
however, self-medicated
there, but not there, in the open

I've asked myself Why a million times
how the "perfect child" turned in this direction
so smart, and talented, likeable and full of promise
now, so unhappy, torn, so lost.

From time to time I see images of who he used to be
a smile, a hearty laugh, a light behind his darkened eyes
and I want to wrap my arms around him and beg him to stay


So, I'm trying to read all of this, face it, acknowledge it,..if it's there.
Bi-Polar is such a vague diagnosis,..easy to say and write on a chart, treat with a prescription pad. And then walk away. I think alot about it,..spent hours and hours reading Bi-polar stories online,..looking for answers.
And there are days when I am just mad about it. He should be out there,..fulfilling his promise,..living in a messy bachelor pad and going to work each day. But he's here and I'm in the parent with no say role. Owner of a home I have no control over,..waiting for a phone call, the police at the door,..losing sleep waiting for the door to open in the night,..and heaving a sigh that this will not be the night tragedy comes.
I worry about his future,..where his illness will take him,..what it will take from him. Where he would be if he didnt have us,..And sometimes, selfishly, I'm just pissed,..because of where his illness has taken us,..what it's already taken from us and mourning that part of my life I'm not getting to lead...

So where now, what now,...
when son, will you see that you have a choice to make here,...and get the help that you need.