Numbers

I don't post as often as I thought I would. As much as I loved to write when I was young, it's kind of hard for me now,..anyway, when I feel the urge and come to blog I'm always amazed by how many page views I have as I have never told anyone that I have this blog. Who is reading what I write? In Alaska no less,..ah, the mystery.
It's not hot tonight, thank goodness. I've had enough of the heat. I'm ready for the cool crisp fall nights,..but tonight is nearly as lovely. No air conditioner,..no whir of fans all over the house. Just the crickets,..George asleep in his chair, ESPN still on the TV. I love nights like this. There is a thunderstorm moving into the area, probably not close enough to give us another good drink,.but I think close enough to see the lightening flash. Maybe I will watch it from the screen porch,..something else I do less now.
Thunder rumbles in the distance,..
My mind has felt heavy lately,..no play on words intended, but it's actually weight, that is preying on my mind. The birthday number has never left my thoughts. 261. The fact that I was shocked should be a little shocking. Have I been the queen of denial or what? I live in this body for crying out loud,..or living despite it anyway. I've avoided all but the makeup mirror. Painting my face and my nails and my toe nails trying to feel better about a deteriorating situation. Then came the required physical, on my birthday. Lets feel old, and fatter and unhealthy all in the same day. Good thing I had to work,..I would have been lost in depression.
First there was the number seen on a screen when I was avoiding the scale with my eyes. Today came the report in the mail. More numbers. RED numbers. Red numbers aren't good. Cholesterol, blood sugar, iron levels,...numbers.
I'm a little scared. I probably should be. For some reason I have always thought that I would eventually get my shit together and get control of my weight. Walk I thought,..eat healthy I'd think. Now, at 53 I'm looking at the big "what if I don't". What if I cant? How hard have I really tried. Here and there,..a little oatmeal, yogurt,.pushing a shopping cart around walmart. Not much really. And here I am. Is George going to spend his retirement with just a memory of me?