May 2012

It's been a while
A long while,..months and months
I could have and should have come here a million times because
I've been struggling
In so many ways
So, so many ways
There have been good things
Easton arrived in November,
Mason was born on our anniversary on December 30th and I was blessed to be there
Both of those baby boys have added a layer to my life I didn't know was possible
Easton I worry about, his mom is so young and stubborn and he isnt always her number one priority. My son, his father tries, but he's  not as focused on being a Dad as I'd like him to be
I've addressed my health,..finally
and for the first time I'm beginning to understand why I'm exhausted so much, and forgetting so much
I have type 2 diabetes and apnea,..both worked together to kick my ass over the last couple of years but I'm taking medication and I have a sleep study coming that will hopefully offer me some relief. Being tired I can fight through,..the memory stuff is really frustrating and pissing me off
I think I'm a little depressed too,..but that,  I haven't, and probably wont address outside of my own head
These things are affecting me at work, although I'm not sure that they are the only reason that things are so ridiculously hard. I have to come to feel like the company fuck up,..my frustration is leaking onto my co-worker and isnt exactly motivating leadership. It's a situation I feel like I'm losing my battle with. But, I have few choices. If I leave and look for other work I will destroy us financially. Not that I want to leave. I want to do better,..well, please them, be what they want me to be, I'm just struggling to see the possibility in it.
That said, I'm going to bed.